Subtle Vinegar

Oh to be in my shoes ...

2008-07-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

Now I have a problem. It seems I have a liking for chocolate. This is a well-documented fact. Not just any chocolate, oh no. I only like the good stuff. My current brand is green and blacks. Well, being a school teacher leads to gifts. Being a person with friends and having things like birthdays, this also leads to gifts. Over the past year, I have received a lot of chocolate. Like maybe a cupboard full. So, I have been eating it and then some this past week or so, trying to get through it seasonally. I got through the Halloween and was well on my way through Christmas when I started checking out expiration dates. It seems I have a bit that will expire at the end of July.

Better get to that. Can't see myself throwing that away.

25 Days

2008-07-23T19:29:00.001-07:00

It seems that the magical number of "25" is the number of days one needs to recuperate from a manical year of ups and downs, teeth grindings, so tense in the morning might vomit, shoulders up to your ears, fingers on chalkboard teaching.

4 of those days have to include sitting by a lake doing nothing more demanding than making a s'mores and sleeping 10 hours a day, plus having afternoon naps. It is better if one chooses not to camp in the near proximity of a swamp, but all that can be okay if you have indoor plumbing.

Yesterday I felt human again. I felt like I wanted to do things, not just sit in a ball or sleep. I wondered what it was I usually did. I honestly can't remember. So tonight, to inspire me, I am going to the library to get books to sit around in a little ball while I read to put myself to sleep.

I hate to shower

2008-07-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

Well! Isn't that a surprise. After all, I smell nice enough. I appear clean. I even AM clean. There must be something going on. And there is, trust me. I don't hate washing. I definitely don't hate being clean. I just hate showering.

How can one hate being enveloped in a warm spray of water, steam filling up the room, cascading around, making the mirror all foggy?

Like this: I hate the amount of time it takes. I can either shower in the morning or take my dogs for a half hour walk. I pick the invogorating 6:15 am walk. My hair is too long! It takes too much time! And all those girl rituals to perform, forget it. Takes forever and a freaking day. I hate how dry a shower makes my skin. Who knew the $50 - $100 I was spending a month on lotions, super organic nothing in them lotions for superbly sensitive and reactive skin (do you know how HARD it is to find a lotion that doesn't have aloe in it, yeah, you just go and try) was for NAUGHT. My skin continued to be dry, flaky, and painfully tight, that is, until I stopped showering. Now, I don't have to use lotions on my skin at all and it looks better than it has in years! I can spend that money (and the additional time it took at the end of the shower to apply it) on cute little outfits for my dog. Or new bags. Or cute shoes. I mean, whatever you stupid lotions. I hate showers because no matter how nice and warm you are and get to be while in there, there is a moment when you have to go out in the cold again. I hate that moment. That cold, hard, cruel moment. I hate showers ... I think that is about all the reasons I have to hate showers. I guess three reasons is enough to rarely ever have them anymore.

Freaky shite

2008-03-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

You know what movie scared the hell out of me when I was young? You know, so I couldn't sleep in my room by myself for a year, crawled into my brother's room who was still in a crib and convinced him to come sleep in his big boy bed with me, until my parents, trying to get me back in my own room, told me I couldn't sleep in his bed with him anymore so I moved onto the floor beside his bed and would push aside the toys and sleep with a blanket from my bed until they relented and let me bring a sleeping bag in there? Yeah, that was fun times, the nightmares, night sweats, waking up screaming and all.

ET

Saviour the Sirloin Burger

2008-03-16T18:30:00.001-07:00

I drove by that the other day. I noticed it about 3/4 to 1/2 a block away and wondered if they did that on purpose, as if the sirloin burger was a saviour, or perhaps they were trying to be ironic. Or, lastly, did they just not know how to spell?

I drove by later in the day and it was changed, so I guess it was just poor spelling or a poorly received attempt to be ironic.

Bad day

2008-01-21T20:07:00.000-08:00

Hopefully comic, but maybe too soon for it to be.

Go to work at jail, find out all the rules of senority have changed and I don't have to stay teaching Grade 6 to be able to apply for my jail job next year. However, someone, again, just took my jail job and I will have to wait until spring to apply for it. Also, anyway can apply for it, I won't have the senority edge. So, I have been torturing myself for naught!

Check messages after work. Essential piece of equipment has broken beyond repair at store. Go down to see. Find out the next better piece is 4 times the price. While trying to decide what to do, smell burning rubber. Another essential piece of equipment is on fire. Damn electrical system.

Find out from lawyer that insurance is low-balling me and refusing to move. Have offered 1/4 of what my lawyer suggested and are refusing to budge and will push us to trial. Fun! And not stressful. Oh, and everyday I hesitate on the decision will take more money off.

Cats knock compost bucket all over counter and floor.

Yell at other half for no reason, except he didn't listen to everything I said and asked me a question for which I had just told him the answer. Finished conversation by telling him, "You don't want to talk to me right now."

Tried to figure out how dogs, cats and other dogs are all going to get taken care of after I leave on Wednesday.

Don't have any lesson plans set up for sub for when you are gone.

I think that is enough. Time for bed.

Love

2008-01-16T12:17:00.000-08:00

When I was younger and more of an idealist, of course, I thought I knew it all. And maybe I did, but I didn't know how to make it into a practical application. As I lay awake last night, and for the many nights that my insomnia has come back, I was thinking about love, as objectively as I could.

I have loved, I know. Each of the people I was with long-term, I loved, in a different way. I thought I did. I know I did. But there I was 23 and did not have much experience in the way of long term love behind me. I think I fell in love with somebody then. I didn't really think it was any different from my other long term people, except they were over and this was now. But now I think it was different. I think I loved that person completely with all of myself, but that isn't really right either. I love other people with all of my being too. It was more than that somehow. He loved me too, I know he did. And it went on for four years, then I had enough. He loved me, but not in the same way I loved him. He loved me in the way I had loved my previous long term lovers. In that way we were different, he was able to look at the relationship more objectionally, take steps back from it to look at it, at himself and who he was in it. He also could look at outside influences too. I could not. But I guess I could, because as I said I had to leave after 4 years. Not because he was cruel. Not because he used me and took advantage of that. But because I wasn't his everything, like he was to me. Except he wasn't, that makes me sound weak. I was never weak. I have never needed someone to be my other half or make me whole.

After I left him for real, for certain, forever and he knew it, he broke.

Well, for 2 years anyway, then he wasn't broken anymore and now is either engaged still or married. Not the point.

I moved on when I thought I was ready and the opportunity presented itself. I wasn't ready and it didn't work out too well. But I loved him. I tried to have it work.

I took a bigger break after that, I put myself into exile, literally, so no new thing could start and when I was truly truly done and over it all, someone found me.

I do love him.

But he loves me in the way I loved the boy I fell for at 23. He loves me so much. I can see myself mirrored in it, the way I loved that boy.

I love him but not in the way he loves me. I love him in the way I have loved all my long term partners, a true love, a real love, but still not with the same intensity.

Is this fair to him? Will one day I have to leave him because I am not his everything, like I am to him. He will not leave me over it.

He is a whole person. He was fine without me. He was happy. He isn't clingy. It isn't like that.

Because of my past experience with the boy, I know that this love doesn't exist between two people just because one has it. But are we to keep looking until that big love is found from both partners? Is loving someone enough?

So so very tired

2007-12-17T17:11:00.000-08:00

I have had a post in my head for a while, but finding the time to write it down has been difficult. Now I have the time but I am so tired. I am sleeping at least 9 and more likely 1o hours a night, which is a huge strange thing for me, what with the chronic insomnia and all. I do wake up at about 2 because my bladder hurts, but hey, I am back to sleep in no time. Why am I so tired?

I am also, again and still, so sick of Christmas. Everyday it gets closer and everyday I get more disgusted. I don't care about your rationalizations for celebrating this abhorrent holiday. You aren't going to convince me. I don't want your sympathizing, your saying yes, you agree, but "it's for the children!" or, "I don't give many gifts ..." I don't give a crap. I don't want to hear it and get out of my way. I hate how it is interferring with my life. I hate how it is interferring with my class. I hate how big and repulsive it is. Hate. With the passion I contain for nothing else. Oh, and go ahead and call me Scrooge, because God, that makes me love you just that much more.

Crack Book Conversion

2007-12-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

Crack book friend: It was $46.50. I only bought you one pound of coffee, the other two you are getting for free from my reserves. You want me to grind them for cone, you say?

Muss: Not cone, flat bottom, everyone has a flat bottom at home! Thanks too! Wow.

Crack book friend: My bottom is round. Its all thanks to running, and kickboxing! I'm sorry if you have a flat bottom, you'll never make it as an underware model.

Ick

2007-11-20T17:13:00.000-08:00

I gave my students a math test. They all did miserably. It was sad and dissappointing, but what can you expect with the worst math text in the world. I actually met a supporter of the textbook one day. He said he loved it, it was great, but it was poorly written and you need at least 3 days for each lesson. How is this a good book? Poorly written and doesn't fit into the time frame we are using. Ah hem. Anyway, lucky for the students I have, they have me. I crammed in what they didn't learn in previous years or from using the book this year into just about one day. I expect the average on the test to go up by 30%. This is effing ridiculous. I am wondering if I should do what I did today for the rest of the year. I certainly could get everything done that way plus more. They would be well set up kids. I also appointed student math tutors for every section who got perfect on the test and knew what was going on and gave them answer keys. The students doing the work had to raise their hand after every question and get it marked before they moved on. If they didn't get it right, the student math tutor had to help them figure out what they did wrong and how they should fix it. Once they were finished the sheet, they became a math tutor and used their sheet as an answer sheet. I had to help a few students with some more abstract concepts, but I was able to because it all ran like clock work around me. It did get a little noisy, but the students are more confident in themselves. The math tutors are for sure, and the people who got their math corrected each time are too. This is a major part of the JUMP math program and why I am such a believer in it. Why make the same mistake over and over again? Get it corrected right away and get re-direction about how to do it right. The kids were fighting over who got to be a math tutor. I told them why I picked the original ones, and how to get to be one, they had to finish their work quickly. They flew through it for the chance to help other people and be considered smart. For me it is good because I can focus on the students that really need some conceptual help.
I had a few students say to me over the course of this year too that I am the best math teacher that they have ever had. That is very satisfying to me, that they acknowledge my greatness. Ha ha! Just kidding. It is satisfying because they are progressing and that is why they feel I am good, because they are getting it. I have also had that experience at the jail, where I have progressed kids by a couple grade levels in a few lessons. They are amazed and their confidence goes way up. They tell me it is me, but I tell them I couldn't do it unless they could. I also frequently say, in the jail only because all their previous teachers are still at the school, that everyone can do math and if you have problems with it, it is because you have had bad math teachers and it isn't your fault. It is my job to figure out how to help you and if I am doing my job, you will do well. I tell them they will be able to do math if they work with me, no matter what they say, and so far I have been right.
People are innately born with the ability to do math. Other people put blocks in the way of it.

My Dog Goes to Doggy Day Care

2007-11-19T17:07:00.000-08:00

Yes. I am one of those people. But you should see this place. She has a pond for dogs to swim in. Of course, it is frozen over right now but that is okay. And she is a dog trainer. And she puts up with my dog. And my dogs gets to play with dogs its own size outside in a large enclosed area. Who could say no to this? I couldn't.

So I dress her in her velour pink sweat suit and send her off their on Mondays.

Okay, I don't really.

Troubling

2007-11-16T18:44:00.000-08:00

I have a kid in my class who is troubled and troubling. He is hard to deal with, has lots of problems, and is a chronic liar. And he likes to hurt people. He has medical diagnosis and psychiatric evaluations. He is below level and yadda yadda. I have a teachers aide for him 2.5 hours a week. That is useful. Anyway.

He was away today. I knew he would be as he was suspended for beating a little kid up. Usually I am dragging my ass to school, always rushed when I get there, trying to get stuff done, but always finding something else that just needs to be done at home. Today I got there early. The day went well. I still had energy at the end of the day. I feel I got things done. The class got a lot accomplished. Go figure.

The thing is, I work with these kind of kids all the time at my other job, in fact, it is my speciality. But there, I have a maximum of 8 kids at a time, and usually I work with only 1 or 2. He is the kind of kid I revel in there. Here, I despise him and his existence. I think of him as a waste of earth's resources. Think about culling people for the greater good.

Time to change?

Little Dog

2007-11-15T19:05:00.000-08:00

So I have a little dog. I got him a while back. He was an adult already and had picked up some annoying little dog habit, such as jumping up all the time. So the other day, yesterday to be exact, my mother was letting the dogs into my house. See, she's nice like that, as I work 10 to 12 hour days and they can't wait that long to pee. It is nice for both of us, so they don't have to try and I don't have to clean up pee. Anyway, she was letting the dogs in from letting them out, and my little dog comes hopping into the house on his back legs. Hop! Hop! Hop! Frantically waving his front paws in little circles. Me! Me! ME! I AM A DOG!! When all of a sudden, he falls over backwards. I have never seen this, but I heavily discourage any such two paw on the floor only tricks so that he isn't so much on two paws as he is for my pushover mom. Well, not only does he fall over backwards, he falls over backwards into their water dish, which is conveniently placed near the door for such circumstances. The water spills everywhere but then, THEN, he doesn't stop hopping. He gets right up and continues to hop and run all over the house with my mom trying to catch him to dry him off as well as stop him from going through the water that he just spilled.

Boy is he glad I wasn't there for that. Heh.

Still There

2007-11-12T14:03:00.000-08:00

It was 4 years ago now that my friend Carlo killed himself. A violent tragic death. A shocking death. A death.
I was sitting there this late morning eating breakfast with my other and all of a sudden said, "Do you want to listen to my friend's music?" and then it all came back to me. I hadn't listened to anything of his for about a year. Just couldn't. Then the time was right and I listened. And I remembered. And I am so happy that I have these CD's of his.

I highly recommend this, and the song he has linked. I have spent many a day listening to it with tears coming down my cheeks. I guess, somewhat, this is another one.

Before he died, soon after he had met me, he painted a picture. And it looked like me. Fearing I would think it was me, as I am sure it was, and seeing how he didn't want my then other to perceive it as me, he changed it a bit. He changed the hair to black. He said it was an attempt at exaggeration of modern ideals of beauty, that long neck, those high cheek bones. The picture was larger than me, that picture it took up the whole wall. He made a picture of me. He painted me. I want to know if that picture was damaged in the grease fire that caused him to move into my house after I had left. I want to know if it survived the turmoil after his death. I want to see that picture above all. I want to have that picture close to me if I can. I want to hold onto this piece of me and him. I don't even know where to begin.

1st Meme

2007-11-04T17:50:00.000-08:00

Okay lawn. I have been busy! I am trying to look for a new career! I won customer service place of the year! Why are you punishing me?

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? I only saw one person last night. That was my bf (you know, because I am twelve, that is what I call him. I actually just call him my friend in introductions and if, for some reason I need to refer to him as something to him, I call him lover).

2. What were you doing at 0800? Laundry, brushing dogs, washing floors, I don't know, one of those anyway.

3. Where is number 3?

4. What happened to you in 2006? Left a job that ate me alive, bought a business, moved back to my home town, tried dating (that sucked), started teaching again, um, ... renovated completely the place I lived ... I don't know.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud? My dogs are going out in 20 minutes.

6. How many beverages did you have today? 2 litres of water, 1 litre of ginger tea.

7. What color is your hairbrush? Wood colour.

8. What was the last thing you paid for? Groceries.

9.Where were you last night? At the house of my other, watching a movie, trying to annoy him. Man, that guy just doesn't get annoyed. What does it take? I am still trying to find out.

10. What color is your front door? Currently white with dirt pawprint highlighting.

11. Where do you keep your change? In my wallet.

12. What’s the weather like today? Beautiful. Clear. Crisp.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Mango. Or ginger. Or maple sugar (not walnut, blah).

14. What excites you? I have no energy left over to get excited about anything, although I was pretty happy when I realized I got all my marking done in 45 minutes and not the 3.5 hours I thought it was going to take me.

15. Do you want to cut your hair? Yes, yes, mother of god yes.

16. Are you over the age of 25? Um. Yes?

17. Do you talk a lot? Yes and no.

18. Do you watch the O.C.? Is it a TV show? I think so right? I have a TV in my house. I have free cable. Have I hooked it up in the past 1.5 years. NO.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven? Yes. Several. Go figure.

20. Do you make up your own words? Apparently I do. I was unaware of it until Lawn pointed it out at dinner one day. My ex was there. He had realized it long ago and had just never pointed it out. I guess I just use the rules of grammer and say things that should be.

21. Are you a jealous person? Not currently. Only in my dreams I guess.

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’. Angie

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. What the hell is this, the alphabet game? We are not on a road trip.

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? My love.

25. What does the last text message you received say? I'm lonely (and no, not from my love, wtf).

26. Do you chew on your straw? No. Never. I don't think I use them either.

27. Do you have curly hair? No, straightest hair you've ever seen. Won't hold a perm.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Probably Vancouver. If not, who knows. I never go anywhere. I own a business I have no time. I am a teacher. We can't take time off.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? My brother.

30. What was the last thing you ate? Roast lamb.

31. Will you get married in the future? My love says yes I will, or well, he would if I asked him but it is a little soon for that, no?

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? In the last two weeks. HA! WTF. I have no time to sit there for two hours. Jesus.

33. Is there anyone you like right now? In a friend way? Ha ha. Yeah there is.

34. When was the last time you did the dishes? I don't know, a couple of hours ago I guess.

35. Are you currently depressed? No.

36. Did you cry today? Yeah, but it was just tears leaking out of my eyes. I don't know why. I wasn't emotionally involved in it. Maybe I had got dirt in my eye or something.

37. Why did you answer and post this? Lawn was right. I haven't written for a while.

Move Here. Now.

2007-08-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

I am going through a phase. Ha ha. A good friend of mine just visited me and I swear, every second sentence I said was, "Move here." I have decided I want all my good friends around me. I think I sent an email to Fist/Finnegan and told him that too. Lawn, Sugar, move here soon. Both Michelles, it is your time to move too. Even my ex. Ex! Move here! Move here now! Illyria, time for a change. Everyone else, close and somewhat close, come here. Come here and laugh until you cry, play until you fall asleep, run until you fall over.

When

2007-08-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

A stolen kiss? No. This one was taken.
Hard mean hands held the body and face in the rightful place.
You'll kiss me. You'll kiss me back. You'll do it. Don't make me get mad.
Harsh words from such a bigger stronger meaner little prick.
You stop squirming. You stop shaking. You stop screaming. You better act like you like this.

based on the true life experiences of a small girl

Okee dokee

2007-08-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

So last night I had this dream (I know, I know, you aren't supposed to blog about dreams because who the hell really cares about your dreams but really, mine are something else and I have been having them so rarely I feel the need. They will entertain you and make you go "wtf" at least).

In it, was a guy that I made out with one night, oh, about a decade ago. We were walking around a town after a nuclear bomb had been dropped looking for alcohol in various stores (not looting, they were all running and funky too). He bought some engagement rings for a girl that he was going to marry, with pink diamonds. Sometime in the booze search, he decided or something happened that he wasn't going to marry her so he asked me to hold these rings. So I did. In my mouth. And eventually they turned into candy and slowly dissolved in my mouth which really upset him while we got on a plane. I had bought some Kahlua.

Update on the Pants

2007-08-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

I had two options, fly to Vancouver for the day to buy suitable clothing, or call my friend to buy me some clothes in a store I frequent and I usually wear the same size in all the time and see if she can ship me up some clothes. Okay, I didn't fully explore both options to the fullest. I phoned my friend and waited for her to call me back. She did! She can! And she is going to drive up and deliver the clothes herself! Multiple outfits to choose from! (She says I can send the other ones back with her but I have a feeling I will just keep them). She kept asking me if she should phone me from the store to see if I liked what she was picking, even sending me photos from her phone, but since she has picked out the majority of clothes that I wear, I told her that I trusted her to pick something good.

We will see ...

What the Hell???

2007-08-13T12:48:00.000-07:00

So I went shopping today. I need a pair of grey dress pants and a button up shirt (or blouse). I went to every place that sells women's clothing here. I could not find anything. Okay, okay, not entirely true, I wanted some pants that didn't look cheap-ass, and in fact, weren't cheap-ass. I wanted this new outfit to wear to my pre-trial discovery, which is coming up quickly. I have to look good, professional, trust-worthy, believable, all of which things I am. I am trying to plan for my future with this lawsuit, my new post-accident crippled future. I have waited for years for this and I am not going to let it go because I can't find a pair of pants to wear!

I finally found something in one store, but they didn't get anything in less than a size 6. I am currently emailing my dear friend in Vancouver to go into my favorite store and pick me out something to wear because this town sucks for clothes! This is ridiculous. Everyone in this town is short and fat, or teenage, or old. The clothing reflects this.

Train Wreck

2007-08-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

No, not my life, an actual event.

See, two weekends ago two trains collided across from South Fort George. There was a huge fire and a voluntary evacuation for the area across the river and up on the bank above them. Huge black clouds of foul smelling smoke billowed up. Our house is a bit away from it, but we evacuated everyone (pets included) because of the smell mostly, just couldn't be good breathing in that stuff. They said it was just diesel fuel burning off and everything was fine. They deny any spill even though there have been many pictures taken with the river on fire (you know, 'cause water is so flammable). It took a long time to put out, 12 hours for the 30 m high flames, and 24 to 48 to get it all. Nope, no chemicals involved.

Working where I do and being that the place was on evacuation alert too, and what a huge deal that is, I get some information that may not be given to the general public. Like that fact that just a few cars back from where the trains hit and exploded, was a propane car. A full propane car.

What the hell. That would have levelled South Fort George across the river, hundreds if not thousands would have been killed. Our house would have survived, but definitely would have been harmed, and we are blocks away from the river. I can't believe this. We are selling our safety, our crown corporations for this?

Oh the choices ....

2007-08-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

Today, should I take the dogs out to the lake and swim and lie in the sun reading yoga magazines (because they are the only reading material I have right now and hey, I get the sent to me for a reason), or clean out my storage room and take my bathroom door off the hinges, sand it and prep it for painting ....

I think I already know the answer to that question. Heh.

Dreams

2007-08-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

Since I can remember in my adult life I have been having dreams with a re-occurrent dream. A couple nights ago was the latest.

I dreamt I was nine months pregnant. I was going into labour. It hurt, but not as much as I thought it would, and not as much as it has hurt in other dreams. I was at home and I would go on my hands and knees and make noises to get through the pain. The pain progressed as the labour progressed. Finally I decided I was in transition and should get myself to the hospital. Somehow, in the confusion to get there, I lost the father. I pushed those babies out, both girls. The father got there just in time to cut the cords. I asked him if he had waited until I delivered the placenta, but since they weren't in distress, I wasn't too concerned about that. We named them but they still hadn't cried. The birthing of the babies also did not hurt as much as I thought it would or as much as it hurt in other dreams. I commented on this to people in the dream and they told me each birth is different, and I was being lucky (blessed) with this one.

I have this dream, or this type of dream, or a dream of being pregnant very frequently. Sometimes, almost every night. Now, about once every month or two.

Gosh!

2007-07-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

Here I thought I was just tired and getting worn out, but no! It turns out I have pneumonia. And my kidney is failing again. Stupid kidney. And haemorraghing. Don't worry though! Besides feeling a bit tired, I am fine. Nothing life threatening.

Actually I am trying to plan a little camping trip (because when you can't breath well and your kidney is bleeding you really need to get far away from medical services). A three day weekday trip with my dogs. Not my cats, as one is in the vet right now after almost dying himself and the other one, well, I took him camping once and that was enough. They are both good on harnesses and leashes, but still. I just want to go with me and my dogs. I can't even say me and my girls since one of my dogs is a boy.

Something happened at my ideal job that wasn't so pleasant either. I may be okay with getting away from it after all. Even with wearing a uniform. Okay. No still to the uniform.

Camping, something that could be okay. I don't really like sleeping outside because I get cold so easily, but I thought this would be the only kind of vacation where I would just sit there. If I took days off and stayed home I would just find things to do, as I have so many. If I went somewhere to visit friends, I would visit friends and go all over the place, which would be good, but I just want to sit around. If I camp I can just sit there and look at the water. And eat. And play with my dogs. And those are the things I want to do the most.

Bound

2007-07-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have so many things to say. Poetic or funny. Bitter and sweet. Why won't they come out of my fingers and onto the page? I don't know. Perhaps I am saving up for something.

First Week

2007-07-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

Ever, that I have managed to avoid all plastic bags and bring my own, or just refuse it. I even got them to take the cheese I bought out of the bag and give it to me.

"No, I don't want the bag for the cheese. Please don't put my cheese in a bag."

followed by,

"Take the cheese out of the bag. I don't want that bag."

Go me.

Holiday Done

2007-07-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

Every night, before I go through my long involved ritual of praising the sleep angels and hoping for sand in my eyes, or whatever it is they do, I think of the perfect thing to write. Funny, insightful, all that.

Of course, during the night of tossing and turning, it goes.

I am just happy that for some reason I don't have a lack of sleep headache today.

Quick run-down of how I get ready for bed:
1. At 8:00 pm (yes, it starts at 8!!! It takes a while) I put away whatever it is I am doing and stop everything.
2. I drink some water, fill my water glass with hot water and take my dogs outside. I wait for them to pee, give them a treat and then leave them to go back inside.
3. I brush my teeth and do any night time grooming I think I need.
4. The dogs are yippy by this time, thinking I am going to go to bed without them (WITHOUT THEM dear god), so I let them in.
5. 8:30 pm, I put on my pj's and put the dogs in their crates and shut their doors (because the clicking of their damn toenails on the floor could easily keep someone with sleeping problems awake allllllllllllllll night).
6. I put hand lotion on, and if I am feeling particularly worthy, cuticle cream.
7. I pick up a book and read a few chapters.
8. At 9:15 to 9:30 (I need to read that much. If I don't read a few chapters to clear my head and put me in the right go to bed state, it just doesn't work, which is part of the reason I start to go to bed at 8) I pull the CD player closer, select one of two CD's, put it in and turn it on just so I can hear it without it revertebrating in my ears. I then grab my night time shut out the light thing and put it on.
9. I re-start the CD, and lay down.
10. I start counting my breathing, 3 counts in, 4 counts out.
11. If it is one CD, I relax parts as it tells me, if it is the other, I breath along with the music.
12. I try to focus on my lungs and trying to clear out whatever it is in them that makes me feel like I am drowning sometimes.
13. I start to fall asleep.
14. I twitch, my throat gets itchy, I wake up and drink water (now room temperature), re-start CD, and try again.
15. I fall asleep.
16. 1:00 I wake up, turn over, try to fall back asleep or get up and use the washroom, drink more water and try to fall back to sleep.
17. I re-start CD.
18. I wake up at about 4 to 4:30, it is starting to get light. I retrieve my light keeping out thing put it on and re-start the CD.
19. My alarm rings and I get up.

Okay, well, how boring was that. I can't believe you read it. And, that is a smooth night anyway. It usually goes much worse than that.

Last day

2007-06-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

Today was the technical last day of school, but really my last day was yesterday. That is when I last saw the students. Today I went out for lunch with the staff and received a thoughtful "hopefully not" parting gift. I also got told again, I did a good job, but not like that. One of the teachers who is close to retiring said to me, "You know, I have never before seen what one-on-one help, what a resource or special needs teacher could do, before I worked with you. I have never seen anyone do what you do."

Aw. Gee, thanks.

Now, for the funny stuff. I swear. If you don't have a kid you should read Mimi because you are obviously missing out on all the cute stuff your kid would say, well, because you don't have one (disclaimer: there are many better reasons to have children than to get to hear the cute things they can sometimes say).

Anyway, the latest that had me rolling with laughter:

Nora: Sometimes I think I want to have a penis.
Me [silently]: Fuck, Freud already?
Me [out loud]: Really? Why?
Nora: I don't know. I just like them. I don't maybe want a penis forever. Just maybe for a while. Like maybe magic. Like maybe for a day.
Me: If you magically had a penis for a day, what would you do with it?
Nora: I don't know. [long pause] Pee, I guess.
Me: Yeah.

Slut

2007-06-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

So, I read in the world reknowned local paper today that indeed, I am a slut. I had thought I might be so it was good to have it confirmed by the small town paper in the red neck town I live in. According to the lifestyles section, the average man between the ages of 20 and 59 have had 7 sexual partners and the average women, 4. I don't understand. This would make all my friends (the ones I talk of these things to) all sluts as well, the men and the women. Of course, most of my friends are University educated and maybe that period of time in our lives had some influence on this. I don't know. I don't understand though. I started later than most people I know and have had several relationships that have lasted more than a couple years. I also have never had a one night stand, never had sex that wasn't in a relationship that lasted a while. What about all these people who roam the bars? Who sleep with friends? Who cheat on each other? And still, these low numbers? Did they survey Utah or something?

Sniff ...

2007-06-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

This is just a little something that I am going to miss ...

Yesterday, a student was rubbing an eraser on his arm. Over and over and over again. In fact, until he burnt it. The teacher whose class he was in tried to get him to stop, but had to get staff involved. The staff got him to stop and took him to the nurse. The nurse cleaned the burn and bandaged it and he said, "... I was almost gone ..."

The Newest, The Bestest

2007-06-25T18:47:00.001-07:00

So yes, here is introducing the newest Grade 6 teacher in the last ... few days? I don't know about that. I have never taught Grade 6 before and if that wasn't enough, I am teaching at a traditional school. It is still a public school but is more like a private school, so there is a very strong academic focus. I have never taught a class/school like this. I am slightly intimidated. Give me a class of behavioural freaks, murderers and rapists and I don't bat an eye. Give me a class of students who are looking to succeed, well, I might pee my pants. The kids are going to be at or above the grade 6 level! The whole school is very respectful! I don't know if I can handle a day that goes by without being called some foul name. Or having some behaviour related crisis. I might start having behaviour crisises.

These Eyes

2007-06-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

I am tired of being tired. I have suffered insomnia on and off my whole life. Recently, in the past year and a half, it has gotten much worse. At the worst times, I haven't slept for days. I look like it too. I walk around in a fog and I can't function well. I hate tossing and turning all night long, in and out of sleep, never getting to REM or the deeper one. Sigh.

Last year I went to the doctor and he took some tests, thyroid, anemia, and diabetes (jeez, I can't go into the doctor without them taking those exact same tests, I think I get them done at least once a year for the past ... 14 years and they are always fine, maybe they should try something else???). This year I went again and he told me he would do the tests again but suspected I have SAD, but not the depressed portion, just the can't sleep kind. Okay, that kind of made sense to me since last year in May I could sleep. But now it is June. I still can't sleep. Well, that is not entirely true. I have a hard time falling asleep and keep waking up earlier and earlier. Like, for example, 4 am. Then awake until my alarm goes off. It is all very very pleasant.

I miss sleeping. I daydream about sleeping. There came a point last year, after about 5 months of not sleeping and it was getting worse, when I thought, I can't take this. I can't take this with no end in sight. I can't take this not sleeping, walking zombie life.

I am not there again yet. Yet. I can take this I guess. I am anyway. I just can't keep my house clean, feed myself, do anything with my animals, do anything requiring concentration, think, or socialize.

Another day at the office

2007-06-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, while checking my work email in another classroom, there was a pause in the teaching ...

"I have never seen anything so disgusting in this classroom ever. Go and get the cleaner and some paper towels and clean that up."

"What? I didn't do anything!"

"You didn't do anything? I just saw you spit across the table."

"I didn't *bleepin* do it. Whatever. It was just a gleet^." As cleaning.

"Now you are out. For swearing and lying."

^Gleet: persistent or chronic gonorrhea

Oh my God. If only they knew what they were saying some of the times.

Morning Aggregation #1

2007-06-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

This morning, for the first of many times, I thought I should write about how I start my work day 2.5 days a week. Today I am actually doing it.

We noticed one student had been moved. Apparently he had a blow-out after school on Friday. Both students involved in the incidents were sent to their rooms, but this one persisted in shouting and threatening the first student through his door. Typical, boring.

In the one section, apparently the big thing of the weekend was to shave off the pubes and many students had been asking for razors (razors being a very limited and watched, as well as counted and re-counted thing, other things re-counted are plastic forks and spoons, pens, pencils, erasers, etc. ). The nurse even had to go in and have a talk with them about this. What about I am not sure, but more on that later.

Also, one resident had been sent to the time-out room (contains its own toilet so that the person can have a real time out without having to interact with anyone, for those ... loud individual times), and had been sitting on the toilet and farting non-stop for 45 minutes to an hour. Very loudly. We questioned how anyone could possibly do this. He had been complaining about stomach upsets. He was able to control it so that when he was out and around the other residents, he was not. He had just decided to retire to his room and fart. Yep, for an hour straight. What the hell.

Later in the day, one of my students (I noticed, I didn't look. All students are well aware of my 'I don't ever want to see the parts of your skin normally covered by a t-shirt or long to the knee shorts' policy, and privileges get removed if I do (All part of my not having a sexual identity of any kind in there)) lifted his t-shirt and rubbed his belly and then put his t-shirt down. "Ms. Teacher," he said, "I shaved all the hair off my body this weekend." To which I replied, "I heard. I also heard the nurse had to come and talk to you about that. I don't want to know. I don't want to hear any more about that." He was quite astounded that I knew and embarrassed because he knew that I knew that he really meant all his hair. Another student asked why the hell he would ever shave his legs. I would have to wonder that myself.

A not atypical day.

Who could make this stuff up?

2007-06-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

3. After a dinner of buttered, Parmesaned noodles and a pint of blueberries, Nora said, "That was the best dinner ever. If I were an anaconda a wild pig would be the best dinner ever. Also I would not chew my food." Okay then.

Mimi can.

Okay, I find her "mommy blog" hilarious. I usually end up laughing out loud when I read it. Her links are usually worth following too. I can't get enough Ms. Smartypants.

A Phase

2007-06-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

Of course! I am a waffle, flipping back and forth (how did that get paired with flipping back and forth on decisions, instead of a pancake, which involves much more flipping than a waffle iron). But there was this phase I went through for, oh I don't know, the first 25 years of my life where I didn't ever ever ever want children. No way, no how. No. No to kids out of my body. Never. Some of you might have experienced the effects of this as you tried to get me to hold your children, it being that I haven't ever done that. Yep, I don't know how. Then! Bing! I met this guy, and then ... well, the thought of it become much more appealing. Cute half Asian babies running around! Why not! Let's have multiples! Oh, but then he was a waffle with how he felt about me and I moved on. And the next guy, well, yeah, I thought about it a lot with him. I took some time off from serious relationships after that but still continued to obsess about having a baby, sometimes even starting relationships because I felt time was running out. I have had my clock tick really really big and have made plans and back-up plans on how to achieve this. Driven by a clock, or something. I don't know. Even when the clock wasn't up in there in my face it was there, somewhere in the back on my mind, praying on me.
A recent event, happy as it is, has made me re-evaluate things, and I guess, let something go.
I think I am quite a bit more happy and will be doing alternative things in my life. I think I will have children in my life, but most likely not from my body (I mean come on, I am a teaching, trained in the art of Kindergarten (what! it's not an art??? You try it then)). I think this pressure has lifted off my chest and out of my brain.
I hope this is true. I hope the clock just hasn't gone deep for a bit. I am much more happy without wondering about if I can get that guys sperm or not, or if I even want it.

Discouraged

2007-06-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I never thought it would happen, but I found a job that makes me want to stay in teaching. When I did my degree, my B.Ed, I thought it was a short term thing, only until I decided what next to do with my life and would last a maximum of 5 years. I found this job in the most unlikely place. I didn't apply for this job, my resume got handed to the right person and they contacted me. I felt a little less than ambivalent about the job, I didn't think I wanted it, but I got it.
I was a Resource teacher at a youth jail.
Holy mother of God. That means I was in charge of all IEP's (individual education plans) for anyone who needed one. I was also in charge of personally assessing and teaching anyone under a grade 7 level in math or english and designing and implementing a program that would work for them, even when I wasn't there, as I was only half time. I had to work with children (I refuse to call them anything but, as they are so stunted) who are severely emotionally and behaviourally challenged. I had to work with youth coming off addictions. I had to work with youth who had every single thing in their life stacked against them and make them think learning was somehow valuable to them.
Guess what?
It worked. I found my niche. I am not saying that I wasn't good anywhere else or I wouldn't be good somewhere else. But I am saying that I am good at this and can do it. It doesn't run me down and I am able to give myself to these kids.
How do I know I work? In two cases I have seen profound changes. One student was so changed, so completely a different person that every single person in the centre noticed and commented on it to me. I kept saying it was the new medication, but later on, there was proof that it was more than this. The other is a young guy so damaged by females that he would spit on us rather than talk to us. He is coming around. He is asking to work with me, he is showing off the work he does to me and bragging about it. I don't even care about that, although it is a nice side benefit, him learning to read above a grade 2 level. I care that he is able to see me as a person. Not me specifically, I don't want him to get hung up on that, but a female. And that he feels successful, in one aspect of his life.
Everyone, as far as I know, likes what I do and believes I can do this well.
But, it looks like I won't be returning next year. Union and all, I am to be replaced with someone who doesn't even want to be up there and as long as the centre thinks she won't be damaging or afraid, she has it.
I believe in the work that unions have done, have created the middle class, have made ... on and on. I don't want to go into now. But this is one of several times in my life when I know I am good for a job and someone else gets it because of union regulations. Someone who isn't as good at it as me.
What happens to the kid who has just set up his safety net a little bit away from his skin to let me in and help him? Does he go slamming back? I hope not. Why doesn't the union think about that?

Channelling

2007-06-09T19:20:00.000-07:00

Every night as I fall asleep I think of witty and interesting things to say, but they are never there in the morning.

So, even though there is no reason, according to western medicine, why accupuncture, accupressure, or reflexology should work, it can prove it does. How weird is that? They have the instruments to see the results but not to determine the cause. Anyway, so they touched points, or did whatever, while doing a brain scan. 'Lo and behold, the corresponding organ part lit up in the brain. So it does something, this energy movement/blockage stuff.

I could've told you that. And now introducing flaky Muss.

I have been noticing something lately. Going Monday through Friday I get increasingly ... play violent. Play violent means I pretend to kick and chop and punch, and talk about it more and more. Over the weekend, it tends to dissipate. I wondered why and what was up with all that violence. I am not a violent person by nature. But, if you think about it, Monday to Friday I am surrounded by violent individuals. Youths who have done violent things and have had violent things done to them. For the majority of the time, say 99%, I don't see any violence there. I hear about quite a bit more, as we discuss cases and students and just life in general. We have a swayed view on things, well, a little perhaps. I think that and the energy of the violence surrounding me builds up in me until I can let it go. Some at night, but more over the weekend. I guess this is okay, because I am unlikely to act on the violence and I am a safe way to get rid of some of it. I can't prove this energy transfer thing in this circumstance, but I can suspect it strongly. I really think things from these kids I spend so much one on one time with, kids who look forward to seeing me, who have maybe one of the most normal relationships that have happened in their life with me, pass to me. What else can explain my cravings for drinking excessively, drugs, cigarettes, and the sudden occurrence of play violence? Sudden urges that pass quickly I might add and that I would never act on. Urges that last maybe a second or two at most.

Okay. Send the men with the white coats for me now.

This one time ...

2007-06-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

... in band camp.

I fell out of love so instaneously. I can remember it perfectly. It was bizarre. I had been living in a roommmate situation with a guy, when it had turned more than that. And he got controlling. And violent. Oh no no, that didn't make me stop. So I moved out and 8 hours away. And I had to come back and get my stuff. We had talked on the phone in the meantime. I was ready to make up even. What the hell? He had gone to anger management counselling. So I went down there with a cousin and he started pulling his controlling shee-ite just about right away. I tried to make allowances for it, but the next day, after I had about 97% of all meals consumed in the house and technically me and my cousin were guests and knowing we were hungry, he made himself something to taunt us. I can't explain how he meant to taunt us, except that he was eating and we weren't. Something went "snap" in me and I said, "Let's go." I grabbed my stuff, she grabbed hers, I dropped her off and spend the next few days couch surfing until it was time to go back home, picked up my stuff and left.

He did ask me after that if we would ever get back together. I said, "Never."

Making me smile

2007-06-03T18:55:00.001-07:00

Feist 1 2 3 4

Lately

2007-06-02T18:52:00.001-07:00

The past couple nights I have been having these really long mundane dreams. Really long, like they last all night. Really mundane, just about real life stuff. I can't even really recall too much because they are that boring. Then, two nights ago, I had one that featured my ex and our 7 year old daughter. Again, it was all mundane. Again, it was long and nothing really stood out. I realized what I was doing though. I have been dreaming alternative futures. Not coulda', woulda, shoulda' but just coulda'. What could have happened had I made a different choice. Not a better choice, not a better life, just a different life. All possible, none probably, because here I am. In this life.

Often

2007-05-29T19:49:00.001-07:00

I think I am doing okay. I am, aren't I? I mean I bounced back fine from all that.

Recently I joined Facebook, which has been good. I hooked up with a lot of people I hadn't seen in years and have re-established contact with a great many of them. It has also allowed people to find me and contact me.

The one that is throwing me is the good friend of my friend Carlo. I haven't spoken to him since I left Assumption. I tried to email him about a year after Carlo died, but it didn't go anywhere. It was at the urging of a friend I did that, she thought it would help me deal with it a bit. I think it was too soon and also, I didn't have his email right.

So I just sent him an email in reply to the second email he sent me. He expressed an interest in seeing and contacting me. I would love to see him. I told him so and then I started to cry. I don't know that I wouldn't fall apart when I saw him.

I'm with her ...

2007-05-28T17:13:00.000-07:00

... what the hell??

Horses learn drugs are bad.

Did I hear this right?

2007-05-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

Understanding does not cure evil, but it helps.

Carl Jung

Rash

2007-05-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

Now not only the name of a catchy new book, but my next blog entry as well. I was just reading Dooce, and it reminded me of several experiences I have had. Not the trying to find out about having cancer, but of rashed I have had. Since the beginning of time I have been prone to rashes. I get about one bad one a year. By bad, I mean it covers my entire body, or has my flesh falling off, hey, I wonder if I can classify my flesh eating disease as just the bad rash of the year? This one rash time I was in emergency, not for rash reasons, and was wearing a gown, you know, sick enough to be in emergency and without clothes, but the doctor was more concerned about all these little weird spots and told me as such. Luckily, I was seeing a dermatologist at the time. And this is how it relates. It was a TEACHING dermatologist. This rash I had, well, it was the worse on my inner thighs. You can see where this is going. Every time, and yes, I had to go multiple times because every time I went he just told me to try another anti-histamine and you know, the 5 previous ones didn't work, so guess what, the next one didn't either, I had to remove my pants and bend over the table so him and the cute medical students and wannabe dermatologists could look at my inner thighs.

Thanks for listening.

Booger of Sugar

2007-05-19T21:02:00.003-07:00

I can't find it! Please put a link in the comments so I know where you are ...

Then

2007-03-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

She met a boy, a man, a boy. This person was not so much her type (stereotyping of course). This person had different things about him. This person made her think of things again. Their second meeting brought butterflies in her heart.
This boy, man, boy, did the butterflies come because she could sense he would worship her? That he was that type (stereotypically)? That he knew, just knew, that she was as good as it got? That she had odd habits but would put up with them?

Thought

2007-03-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

She is used to the utmost devotion. She is used to being put on a pedestal. Declared a muse, she is sculpted, painted, written about in poems and in books, composed about, painted on ... She is pure. She is perfect for them. She is offered startled by their intensity and doesn't know where to put it.
But this, this indifference, this can take her or leave her of this part of her life, this is confusing. Is she not the same person as before? Has she changed so much in those few years?

Jump

2007-03-08T20:53:00.000-08:00

Once there was a boy who smelled so sweetly. Nothing smelled as good as him. She would wallow in his t-shirts, after begging him to wear them for two days just so that much of his scent would permeate that much more. She would revel in his sports equipment. She would crawl up his body drinking it in from every pore. She loved him for it.

U

2007-03-08T20:51:00.000-08:00

It was dark, dark, dark. Then it wasn't anymore. It was surprisingly so. She thought it would happen gradually, slowly, day by day. But no. One day it was light where the day before it had been dark. So dark.

Everyone

2007-01-13T06:40:00.000-08:00

Should date an Australian man once, and once only, just to get it out of their system. Then they should move on.

A diversion

2006-11-29T21:45:00.000-08:00

Today, "Suck it up, buttercup."

Seems to be the call of the day. I was in a challenging classroom and when, after being threatened by body language and then fakely stabbed with a pencil, said no more touching or pretending to assault me. That was enough. Apparently, that is me, all about power tripping. I also hurt a student's feelings because I would not show him the scar on my arm. I pulled my sweater down and told him I would not undress for him. He got upset. But he wouldn't stop. Show me your arm. No. Show me your arm. No. Show me your arm. It is just a scar from a cat scratch. Show me your arm. No. His arm is a mass of scars. Deep cuts. Perpendicular to the veins. Lots needed stitches, you can see those scars too. Show me your arm. NO. Show me your arm. No.

What is the answer? I don't know. I don't even know what to suggest. So, see, most of these kids had a rough start. Rough from in the womb. Then, having been born with their special needs, they aren't in an environment that can deal with the special needs. Then, they go bad. And they can't make good choices. Can't. Not a won't. And end up in jail or dead or both. I don't think children should be taken away from their parents. I don't think the parents can raise the children. Lots more stuff out and about that.

I had a good talk today with the pastor about one particular student. In his 17 year old body and his 6 year old academic capabilities and his 2 year old decision making ability. You know how good the decisions of two year old are as well. Towards pleasure, towards having things their way, not the most empathetic either.

I was reading a story about a street person today to him and another student. This person had been kicked out of his house by his mother. He wasn't into drugs and he wasn't a criminal (not yet in the story anyway). He was panhandling. They wondered why he wouldn't deal drugs or rob places or pimp the girl he was friends with. I tried to explain that he didn't want to hurt anybody. They didn't get it. And I got to hear how he pimped out the younger (younger than 15) sister of a girl in the jail.

The girl who after screeching at me told me, "Suck it up, buttercup."

Q.

2006-11-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

That didn't really work out like I wanted it to. I will start again. When I have it in me. It may not be there anymore.

P.

2006-11-21T20:20:00.000-08:00

And then I realized I didn't need to try to find the time to write about being crazy all in one day, it could be broken up into as many different days as I wanted.

O.

2006-11-20T21:20:00.000-08:00

The story of O. O fireside. O wind. O cat. O happy. O my.

Such a way.

N.

2006-11-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

I wish to find time to write the whole story about crazy. From start to finish. But it would take too much time and I can't find the words.

M.

2006-10-27T06:27:00.000-07:00

Comuters are funny little things. You never know how much you rely on them until they aren't there. And then you wander around, wishing you could check your email or do your paperwork. When it is back, you never really thought you missed it.

L.

2006-10-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I helped an 18 year old with long division. He has been helped numerous times before and I am sure this time won't stick either. In his spare time he likes to shit in the shower or his pants and finger paint the walls with it.

K.

2006-10-07T19:46:00.000-07:00

I am 5'8". I weigh 107 pounds.

Today I ate 8 pounds of food. At least.

J.

2006-10-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

Your dad, ... he isn't really doing too well. Could you check his pulse? He said his left arm hurt and his chest feels funny.

Maybe you should call an ambulance.

I'm just tired. I a'm go'ing'to'lay'down.

Let me check your pulse.

What is his pulse?

92/minute. But erratic.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what you should do either. Probably go to the hospital or phone an ambulance.

I'm'm'n'ot'go'ing.

Phone the health nurse.

The health nurse wants you to take his pulse again.

It is still the same, still erratic. Fast then slow then fast and slow.

They want us to go to the hospital.

I'do'n'twan't't'ogo'to'the'hosp'i'tal'on'a'Fri'day'night.

Damn it. Go to the goddamn hospital. Go with mom or I'll phone an ambulance.

We're going to the hospital.

I.

2006-10-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

A button-up collar shirt. Neatly ironed and ready for wear. The uniform of the transformer. Button-up shirt meet institutional t-shirt. T-shirt meet button-up shirt.
Now change the world.

H.

2006-10-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

Can one be forgiven for murder?

It is a legitimate question. Perhaps if society has said it is okay, if the reasons were there then it is okay. Fine, society says it is okay. But can you forgive yourself? How many times can you go over and over in your head how you could have avoided the situation or done anything different that would make it not real. Because no matter what, you took a life. And you think about that everyday. The guilt travels all through your body and eats your heart. It eats your throat and chokes all the words you could say about what had happened. It eats your stomach as it ties it in knots, like a worm in a decaying corpse. It leaves you as a shell. A shell with hollow sunken dark eyes.

G.

2006-10-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

I saw a girl who was sexually abused. I saw it in her mouth. I saw it in her body. I saw it in her clothes. I saw it in how she acted. I saw it as easily as if she had yelled it into my face. But she didn't yell it in my face. So what do I do about it now?

F.

2006-09-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

Back to normal.

It was a hard going few days into more than a week. Getting those synthetic, or at least not human, hormones out. I can't believe how much rage came pouring out in that time. Ripping shredding killing rage with lots of kicks and abusive words. No, that is not for me. I saw it more this time than I had before. I didn't have a situation or a person to blame it on. It was all that. I was all that. Only there for 4 days and more than a week to recover. I wonder if it is out of my system yet? I wonder how other people can put up with the changes it brings, even if not as severe as mine. I wonder what would of happened if I had ever got a shot of birth control (as suggested by my doctor to put on weight) or the under the skin insert (also suggested by my doctor). I probably would not be alive.

E.

2006-09-27T20:22:00.000-07:00

Hard times.

But in an interesting way. No more water cooler. No more jewewlry. 2 locked doors to enter and exit. Able to knock me over and break my fragile little bones with one fell push. Able to control it with my eyes and words only. The angry, the mislaid, the misplaced, the unplacable. Now part of my group. The perfectionist comes into a position where she can't win, where she can bang her head against the wall continuously, where facade is everything and real life is nothing.

Quite the career I walked back into.

D.

2006-09-26T07:42:00.000-07:00

Heaven.

In the days, laying on a certain couch, napping when desired, awake sometimes too. Taking the various dogs for walks throughout the day. Eating carrots and humous. Doing yoga everyday. Reading interesting books. Drinking hot water with lemon.

In the evening, having easy yet tasty and healthy meals. Talking and laughing throughout. With one other person. The walking the dogs again before bed.

C.

2006-09-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

Hormonal methods of birth control are not for everyone.

Day 1: Morning sickness

Day 2: Morning sickness x 2

Day 3: Everything seems okay

Day 4: Deep depression and suicidal thoughts

Day 5: Withrdrawal from stopping it. I have never experienced such rage, such inability to be in control. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't stop moving.

What a pleasant experience. I knew I couldn't do it.

B.

2006-09-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

I thought I had moved into a new part of my life.

I thought moving and saying no more would make changes, changes that I could live with and be happy with.

Then I got pulled back in. But I don't know how badly and I don't know if it is the same.

It all just went so fast.

It isn't as if I don't need it. I definitely do. It isn't as if the changes I made worked out to be what I thought they would be anyway.

A.

2006-09-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

What did you learn in your exclusion?

I learned that self-imposed exile is not always what you wish it to be.

What did you learn from your return?

Exclusion is the more desired place to be.

An Army of W.A.S.P.S.

2006-09-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

So this morning, you know, in the shower and all, rinsing my hair, doing my thing when all of a sudden, and I mean all of a sudden, all these wasps started coming out of a vent in the ceiling. So there I was trapped in the shower, being naked and wet and all and there being an army of wasps between me and the door. What to do? Naked and wasps are two words that should not go together. I stared at them in shock through my clear shower curtain. Total shock. You might even picture me being incredibly afraid of wasps and bees. You might do that because you would be right. Not my fault, all my brother's and his damn allergy to stings. Whenever there were any wasps or bees around everyone would start panicking and grabbing him and running away. I would just join in the fear and running and now here I am an adult who is really afraid of bees and wasps. Especially afraid of wasps when naked in the shower. Eventually a wasp ventured into the shower. Yes. Into the shower. Luckily for me I have a removable shower head and I took that shower head and I sprayed that wasp down the drain. Yippee! Go me! A hero! But what to do about all the other wasps that weren't in the shower? Plus I didn't really want the rest of the wasps to come into the shower, being naked and all exposed with many many places to sting and bite. Also luckily for me it was very cold last night and the hot steam must have just woke up the freezing wasps in the vent so they were slow and groggy and stayed near the vent. With that I was able to time a burst from the shower and out of the bathroom and all those wasps (wiggly assholes sharpening perilous stingers).

If

2006-09-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

something is too cheap that means someone is paying the cost somewhere. Maybe it is the environment or maybe it is someone else down the line.

http://www.cbc.ca/vinylcafe/bakery.html

Bored

2006-09-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

Apparently I was bored. You know, with the starting up a business and working 70 to 80 hours a week with that and gutting the place I was staying and re-doing that. Yes, very boring, so I decided to throw a full time job in there that hours directly conflict with those of the store. Interview tomorrow at 10:00. Stay tuned.

Kennel Cough

2006-09-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

Oh for Fuck's sake. Fuck. Really really fuck.

9 days ago I brought my little dog in to get neutered and get his booster shot. I brought him to a different clinic than I usually go to, one that would let me take him home the same day, you know, because I know him well enough that when I am out of his sight he screams and since vet visits and neutering would be stressful, I thought it better that he recover with me in his sight. 5 days ago he starting hacking and coughing ALL NIGHT LONG. So now, I can't bring my dogs to work, I can't finish my obedience school and I have a sick dog with a contagious disease that can pass it on to all my other animals. Who could do that to my cute little dog?

So I phoned the clinic, not at all impressed with this development and they were snotty. Very very snotty. Yes, yes, I went out with my sick dog and rubbed his face in other dog's faces, dogs that were coughing. OR some dog broke into my house when I wasn't home and gave him kennel cough and left without me knowing he was even there.

You want to know something else? I didn't notice this when I dropped him off or I would've turned around and left but the operating theatre is open to the front reception area. Hell, I guess in a messy enough operation I could've got splattered with blood! Yippee! How hygenic! Why wear the robes? Why wear the surgical hats? Why? When they are shaving a dog and clipping his toenails right below the window space which contains no pane and below the fish tank that is so cloudy that you can't see through it? Why not just sneeze on them or rub faeces in their open wounds for all the sterile fields you don't have and have not set up. WHAT THE FUCK.

So tonight, instead of bringing my little dog back there to get his stitches out, never going to happen, I tried to take them out with the help of my mother. I figured, I took my other two dog's stitches out when the time came because the travelling vet wasn't back around in time and instructed us to, so I can do that. No, not so much. I can't hold a dog and take out the stitches and apparently my mom can't do either of those jobs.

Now my little dog is running around with one stitch cut and left in him but all the other ones got out.

Bonjour! Bonjour!

2006-09-04T06:53:00.000-07:00

So next we should talk about shedding cats.

I thought cats just always shedded their hair. I thought that was part of being a cat. Even after I discovered I was allergic to my cats, I kept them, hair flying everywhere causing me anguish and long hours of cleaning to try to get rid of it (and the actual dander that was causing the allergies). And then I heard a rumour that someone's cats didn't shed when they fed them this certain high quality food. Well! I had fed that food to a previous cat I had and he still lost a lot of hair. So I got to thinking, I feed my cats a high quality food (which prevents my one cat with enteritis from bleeding from his gut like everything causes, such as air), but maybe it is missing something they need. God knows I cannot switch foods (no no nononono. I don't need the vet bills for that, damn bleeding gut cat). So I thought, maybe I could supplement my cats with some stuff and see what happened. Could help the shedding, could help the bleeding guts.

I feed my cats Wysong Vitality, Hokamix 30, organic plain yoghurt, salmon oil, and now, NOW I CAN ADD OTHER THINGS TO HIS DISH WITHOUT HIM POOPING BLOOD. Yes, it is great. I give him a variety of pet prepared raw meats from Nature's Variety (which he hates and doesn't eat), raw bones (which he loves), different canned meats (loves), different high quality canned pet foods (loves), and NRG dehydrated food (loves).

And my cats barely shed at all any more and he is much more tolerant of different foods.

Cats don't have to shed continuously.

Am I not your God?

2006-08-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

The other day I saw a man and a woman having a fight. A nasty ugly dirty fight where she pushed him and hit him and punched him. A little while later I saw them sitting down and talking rationally.

I don't know about you but with anyone who I felt inclined to direct physical violence against, I don't think I would be able to sit around and talk to them afterwards. I think this is because, even though I am a women, I do not hit men. Well, I can't say I never do or would, but if I did I would be fighting for something more than to get my point across. I would be fighting for my physical protection. If I had to fight like that I don't think I could sit around afterwards with someone who was going to harm me and talk to them all calm like. Wouldn't trust them I am sure. I don't think women should hit men either. Just because we are the 'weaker' sex does not mean we can throw our bodies around and abuse other people, just because if they are man enough, they won't hit us back. What purpose does it serve?

Me: I think that the red shirt is too garish.
Him: No, I like it.
Me: We aren't going out if you are wearing that. It is inappropriate for the social context we are going to be in.
Him: Well I am wearing it.
Me: I said NO (karate chop to the adams apple)
Him: Okay, okay.

Kind of absurd.

Dogs Should Not Smell

2006-08-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

It is normal for dogs to have a bit of a dog smell when they are wet. When they are dry they should not smell. Nor should there breath smell. Dogs should not smell. If your dog smells there is something wrong with him. You are either feeding him a poor quality food (and yes, there are many high priced ones out there) or he has some kind of fungal or yeast infection. Or even bacterial but most likely fungal or yeast. Dogs do not smell in real life, unless they have rolled in things. My dogs don't smell. Any dogs I know that eat high quality food don't smell. Don't feed your dog human gargage. Buy a good dog food, one without chemical garbage or pet remains or left over pulp mill trash or feathers or indigestible parts. Research it, even a little and help your dog (or cat) live a longer healthier life. And a not smelly one.

No rice for me

2006-08-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

Time for a picture. I decided to buy a rice cooker. I decided a rice cooker would make my life easier. I decided it would save me time and allow me to have more nutritious meals if I purchased a rice cooker. And a timer. So I went to purchase a rice cooker. I did not need one that cooked up to 20 cups of rice. I did not need one that could steam vegetables at the same time. I did want one that was not teflon. Apparently all these features are too much to ask for in one product in a mid-sized northern Canadian town. I thought I had found the only non non-stick rice cooker in London Drugs. So I bought it. Only to find out on the way to my car that it was indeed a non-stick. So I returned it. The next day I went to The Bay to look for a rice cooker with the features I desired. It was not to be. No rice cooker could I find. Instead, I found a bathing suit. An impractical bathing suit, but a new suit nontheless. Two piece. Not going to be able to do anything but float around in it. It is impossible to find a one piece bathing suit that fits me that doesn't make me look like I am twelve or is a granny suit. Yes, I could buy a speedo, but that would be foolish. I don't really need that level. Just a normal bathing suit that one wouldn't flop out of whilst in the water. Sigh

Dead

2006-08-09T21:36:00.000-07:00

Twice I have taken a diving course. Twice I have passed. Twice I have been told I am an excellent diver. I have my open water and advanced open water. I have never dived except for these courses.

Taking these courses seemed like a good idea. I was travelling in Thailand with a friend and he was really into diving after we had gone snorkelling one time. He could not swim and didn't have the confidence to do this on his own. At this point I thought it would be fun and an interesting new experience after an effed up round about way we ended up at Koh Pha Ngan, which was not Koh Samet which is where we signed up and paid for but what the hell. Away we went.

The first day was theory, video watching, and reading. We did that. Nothing too bad until that night in bed.

Lying there, almost asleep, just about at that point where you are over the edge when suddenly I realize I am deep under the water and losing consciousness due to lack of oxygen. I come completely awake, sitting up and gasping for air. I calm down, lie down, and relax. I almost fall asleep again when there I am again, gently drifting away deep under the water, losing sonsciousness due to oxygen deprivation. Startled wide awake again. This goes on all night long. I do not sleep without this image coming into my head and jolting me awake.

The next day we started the practical course. We were out in the ocean and not to far down, working on bouyancy. I was having a bit of a hard time with my buoyancy as I kept kind of hyperventilating. The instructor grabbed me and I looked up. I realized that there were a couple tonnes of water above my head and I was relying on a man-made device to breath. I wanted up. I wanted out. The instructor ended up taking me to shore where I was bashed against the rocks and he yelled at the other divers. He then turned to me and yelled at me, "Can you DO THIS OR NOT!" What could I say? I had to meekly say yes and I got through that dive. I mastered that course, but never fully enjoyed the diving experience.

We then travelled into Malaysia and back into Thailand for passport purposes. We arrived back and signed up for the advanced open water diving course. We got to pick different courses to take. I don't remember what courses we chose except the navigating course (which I got us lost on) and the night dive.

The night dive was really hyped up. It was supposedly incredible the sea life you saw at night, with the colours using a flashlight and whatnot. I made it to the bottom of where we were supposed to meet and start before I totally lost it. It was dark, it was deep. I could breath on this man-made device but it didn't matter. I had no control over my buoyancy and it was exactly like I had started to dream death would be. The only way I could retain any control over myself was to hold onto the leg of my partner and shine my flashlight onto the sand, showing I wasn't sinking down to die. The time I was under there lasted forever. I eventually got hauled up to the surface by a master diver and little fishes bit me all over on the way up.

I have an overwhelming fear of being underwater in the dark now. Darkness under the water is like death.

Never

2006-08-07T19:58:00.000-07:00

Can you remember the last time you had food poisoning? I can. Friday. It was a horrible horrible day. Luckily, I don't have any clue what I got it from so I am still fine to eat everything. I did have chicken the night before and it's always the chicken, but I really don't think it was. I am fairly careful about all that kind of thing, what with the microbiology degree and the whole course on food poisoning one term. I cooked the chicken thoroughly. There was no cross contamination with the vegetables (I always prepare those first, on a different cutting board always though, and have them in the steamer before I start on the meat).

When was the time before that? Well, it was a Friday about a month ago and it was from a baked potato. I don't know how and I don't know why and my mom got it too so there you go. Before that I can't think of a time except in University where we always went to this Japanese place and I had gotten food poisoning from there 5 times before I figured it out and never went back. I thought my stomach was always upset from eating tempura and not being used to deep fried things. Still, it took me five times.

But food poisoning twice in one summer, twice in basically one month? That is way too much. Especially bad this second time was that my bathroom is ripped out, gutted, gone and I am having to use the upstairs one.

Oh yeah, so in keeping with the Muss must be insanely busy at all times, we are gutting the place where I am living while I start up this business and I am in dog obedience school with my dog. Today, my first day off since sometime in June or May, I ripped up the carpet in the storage room/laundry room. Why was there carpet there? I don't know but the even better thing about the stinky always getting wet carpet was that it was glued down to the underlay. AND the underlay was glued to the floor, which appears to be cement, which, I guess was why they had to glue it. You know, because the staples wouldn't go into the concrete. So I spent a good portion of my day in a very small room scraping the floor to get as much of this crap off as I could. Fun times.

So indeed I didn't get the carpet ripped up and the walls painted. Don't even get me started on the state of the walls. No no no. Don't go there.

The shoes

2006-07-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

I bought.

The sensible shoes.

Which would you have choosen?

How to Spend a Fun Friday Night

2006-07-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

1. Go to London Drugs and purchase a rice cooker.

2. Have a delightful conversation with a cashier too young to even think that way about (lack of facial hair, body not yet filled out) about the word recalcitrant and the origins of.

3. Realize Coast Mountain Sports is having a sale and go to see what is there.

4. Look at sandals. Discuss the ugliness of various sturdy and functional sandals with a sales guy too young to even think that way about (lack of facial hair, body not yet filled out). Discover in any barely acceptable sandal that they don't have your size and they feel funny anyway. Admit the sandals you have on are very ugly too.

5. Walk to the car to drive home. Realize that the rice cooker is missing one essential feature that you can't live without in a rice cooker that you bought it specifically for.

6. Take the rice cooker back. Have another delightful conversation with the way too young boy about being recalcitrant and bringing back the rice cooker.

7. Go back to Coast Mountain Sports and try on multi-sport running shoes having more conversations with the too young boy there, explaining how the rice cooker was just not up to snuff and how you really wanted shoes anyway.

8. Get depressed because it has been about 5 years since you have bought a functional pair of running shoes. You can't run. You can't do sports. You can barely walk for a few blocks without being in pain. Running shoes, yeah right, and even multi-sport? No way girl. You are dreaming. Cripple for life.

9. Say good-bye to second too young guy and go to the car and drive home.

10. Eat 4 buns with peanut butter and raspberry jam on them for dinner.

11. Break out in a rash because you are allergic to both wheat and peanut butter.

12. Sleep.

Model who perfected the "I don't care" look

2006-07-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

In searching for a non-sulphite dog shampoo, I came across a site for petite dog fashions. Look at the model. Can you tell that she (he?) is loving to be dressed up in all this crazy crap his owner makes and puts on her? And the dog has the same look on her face in every picture. The "I will be pissing on your rug as soon as you let me down and out of this thing" look.

Doggy DAY Care

2006-07-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

In yet another effort to provide stimulation, both mental and physical, for my dog, I tried to enroll her in doggy day care here in my small town. The choices are limited: A or B. I talked to both, decided I would see how she fared in both and took her first to Day Care A.

Day Care A:
First, I let all the dogs out of the day care room. I took my dog, who was very very excited about all the other dogs and stood in front of the door outside so no dogs would escape. The lady then took the main other instigator dog out and we went in. My dog decided she hated this cute little terrier cross puppy of 8 months of age. I mean hate him. I mean she thought he should die. So I controlled her on her gentle leader and she was okay with the two other dogs, a 10 pound sheltie and a 4 month old lab. Then the trainer said to let her go, still on her gentle leader and leash and that is when she laid into the other dog. I got her back and tried to take her out but she had to pause to shit and piss on the floor. ON THE FLOOR. INSIDE THE PLACE. Nice. I was asked not to bring her back.

Day Care B:
I just didn't bother to go. Enough.

So we are back in dog obedience for round three.

Yeah and um

2006-07-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

So, you know I am starting my own business, or at least, I bought a business and I am starting that up. And you know, that takes up a fair amount of my time, like about 12 to 14 hours a day. Well, did I mention that at the same time I am also renovating the place where I am staying? Not just paint on the walls. Oh no. The bathroom is gutted and being done from the two by fours out. The, nothing like moving on to the kitchen! To top that, I am re-UN-texturing the walls, painting the whole place and putting in new flooring? So how many hours does that take? All that are left? No. Because I am unpacking and re-packing as I go and I have signed up for dog obedience classes as well. Why? I guess I was getting too used to this sleep thing.

At least this way I get my orange bathroom.

ADHD

2006-07-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

Today I had ADHD. I did everything I usually do in 10 hours in 3 and then I didn't know what to do with myself for the rest of the day. I read a 200 page book. I cleaned the entire place. I scouted new products and made up three orders for shipment. I did a good day in sales. I was going crazy. I paced. I pulled grass from between rocks on the walkway. I phoned people.

When I got home, I started to re-organize all my files, records, and book-keeping. I paid bills. Now, at almost 2 hours past the time when I usually go to sleep and I am still going. Making signs, watching surgeons take 46 year old ossified babies out of Morrocan ladies. Why not?

In other good news, a friend of mine has had a very successful major operation and only has a 30% chance of having cancer at this point.

Can you see the ADHD by this post?

Dude ...

2006-07-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

... if you are going to wear a button up shirt all unbuttoned and jeans that are only held up on your skinny little hip bones, please wear some kind of underwear. I do not wish to see your parts as you reach into your pocket for change.

Just a suggestion ...

2006-07-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

... but perhaps if one is wearing low riding pants, one shouldn't be riding a bicycle, as one's whole ass will be hanging out the back jiggling kind of, as one rides.

What to do when the Clock goes Tick?

2006-07-16T18:59:00.000-07:00

My roommate's baby is almost two.

My cousin's baby is just over one.

Logically, I don't think I am one to have children in my life that don't go home to other people. I can only take so much of little voices and I need so much time for quiet in my life with no pulling and whining or barfing. I don't do well sleep deprived (which reminds me, the night before my grand opening my one little dog decided that was the perfect time to bark and have diarrhea all night long, so I didn't get much sleep with the constant whining and running him outside and cleaning, poor guy). I like to walk away from shrieking and let someone else to deal with it. I have buttons that can be pushed to send me over the edge. And besides all that, is there anyone out there at the moment who wishes to impregnate me and raise a child with me that I would find acceptable for more than a little while?

All that said and done, why does this urge to run out and gather sperm start to take over my thoughts and make me think that having a baby would be a good idea?

A good idea? For me? What the hell?

But babies grow in bellies and drink milk from breasts and grow up and give more than dogs and cats and take more than dogs and cats and aren't extensions of me.

hm

I've Opened

2006-07-16T18:45:00.000-07:00

But was it grand?

I met a lot of people. I met a lot of dogs. I know more that I can only take so much small talk with someone I am totally not interested in talking to and who is not going past small talk and is not interested in having a conversation, but just talking. I have more people who want to work with me and for me than I could ever need but I still have a vital position available and that I can't fill.

I got cards, flowers, calls of congratulations and all this was great and appreciated but someone very important to me choose to ignore that anything important was happening to me and I am kind of hurt by this. I think mostly because I feel I am very supportive of them. Oh well. Friends are a choice I guess.

I am tired and can't wait because in 16 more days, I get a day off.

Home Town

2006-07-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

It is funny to be back in the town I grew up in, or more befitting, the town I went to high school in. I keep running into all these people, like that guy I dated and lost it with. Oh, the great memories there. He is married and expecting his first child. I can only hope his techniques, scopes, and likes have changed, otherwise that will be one frigid women. I also saw this really tall stocky guy that I graduated with in a turquoise turbo swift, just about exactly like that one but with more bells and whistles, except less powder blue and more turquoise. I don't even know how he fits in it. This picture does not show how small the actual car is. I also cannot comprehend who would take the time to detail it and pimp it up to make it a turquoise machine like that.

I can't just wait to see who I run into next.

500 Things Vinegar

2006-07-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=500%20things%20vinegar

So, I am in the top 3 of 500 things vinegar. How great! I am happy about that. I am also happy that my store was just talked up in the paper. I would make a link for that but our local paper isn't that big and there is no link to that story. What can you do?

And how vinegar is this picture?

Anyway, the 30 plus degree weather here has finally abated a bit, which makes me not so wilty and how about that baking with the hot oven all day in an un-airconditioned place too? Then there was the thunder storms and the forest fires and the smoke that has covered the city and made me unable to breath unless I keep a baby aspirator near me filled with water so I can squirt it up my nose and have some relief from the pressure. Which is better?

Oh I know, it was the one night I was able to go out for dinner, both my mother and I (yes, I went out for dinner with my mother and in fact, she is about the only person I have gone out to dinner with for just about as long as I can remember, sad really) and we both got food poisoning from our baked potatoes. Yes, that was definitely better.

Congratulate Me!

2006-07-02T20:42:00.000-07:00

Despite hardly having time to eat and my IBS acting up leading to the rapid exodus of anything consumed, I weigh 115 pounds. Two more pounds and I will be tied with the heaviest I've ever been and 5 more pounds and I will be at my goal weight and the lowest end of acceptable heathly weight for someone my height.

A Mish-Mash Fixer Upper Kind Of

2006-07-01T19:19:00.000-07:00

Today my mother and me made a fence to seperate her yard into two parts to keep our dogs from each other. Our dogs do not like each other and have always been seperated, except twice. Once was to introduce them and once was when my dad accidently let them both out at the same time and they got into a fight and my dog ended up just about losing his hand. My mother was never interested in having them together before, saying her dog just couldn't deal with it. But now, with me living here indefinitely, she has decided it is time.

So we built a fence. Partly for accidents if they get out at the same time and partly to have them become used to each other.

The fence itself, apparently we used some sewing stitches to hold it together with the wire we were stringing through it. We were sewing a fence I guess. It looks ... well, as a fence made by two people who have never made a fence before would look. But it is sturdy.

Carp. I'm 31

2006-06-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

You know, I realized that it said 'carp' instead of crap, and went to change it, but then I decided it would be better that way.

So, just looking at my poor blog, my poor, standard pick one out of blogger blog, I really it is not only poor, but out of date. The 30 things to do while I'm 30, well, they didn't happen and now I'm 31. I don't know where to go with that.

In other news, I am looking into getting a laptop. I know nothing about computers and my needs are miniscule and include things such as word, excel, internet accessibility, and portability. Not too much, but still overwhelming to try to find a machine that does these things without being talked into 500 million other things.

Religion

2006-06-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

I have been opposed to most organized religions since about the time I decided that to read the bible. This was shortly before the time I decided that I didn't want to believe in such a sexist and racist document and God, no matter if it would send me to hell. I am less melodramatic now, but still not believing in God.

At a luncheon about a month ago, I got into a conversation with an annoying person. I don't remember what about her was annoying, but there was something. It could have been the way she completely ignored the other person she brought to the luncheon, who was clearly uncomfortable and didn't know anyone and she didn't introduce her to anyone. Anyway, we briefly talked about religion (soon after the poor girl beside her said a quiet grace before eating) and she made an observation that I feel I should have made long ago. Religion is for the people who don't have the moral integrity to think for themselves, or think in terms of what is best not just for themselves, to steer them on the path of what is right and what is wrong with carrots and punishments.

I now see how desperately the world needs strict organized religion now.

Tired

2006-06-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

I am back home and starting up my new business. As one could imagine, it is dreadfully tiring. I come home a little exhausted, and there is still always work to be done. Last night it was the curtains. I refused to pay a lot of money for ugly curtains. I hated almost all curtains I saw. So I designed my own and my mother made them. Well, she sewed them, but I did all the grunt work but I can't sew a straight seam to save my life and since she is a seamstress, I left that to her (and everything that involved measuring).

I was so tired that I was about to collapse and I said, "I'm going to bed," But no, she guilted me into finishing the one last curtain so they could all by hung today (and I must say they look nice). After that, I went to get ready for bed. I have 'moved' into the basement apartment in her house. I say 'moved' because really we just threw all my stuff in the living room and I have been living out of my overnight bag. I discovered I needed something, something vital that I knew I put in this one bag that I take with me everywhere and that I don't lose. Could I find that bag? No, of course not. Could I think about that bag? No. I was too strung out on being up past my regularly scheduled bedtime that I couldn't deal with finding the bag. I had to go upstairs and make my mom stop what she was doing and look for my bag. Which she found with ease on the floor of the bathroom. Right beside where I had just brushed my teeth.

I just don't do well sleep deprived.

New shoes

2006-06-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

I wore stupid shoes today. I wore high heels that are cute. They
lasted about 2 hours before hobbling me. But I was smart and brought
some high heel chunky sandals to switch and they are actually very
comfortable. Then, after lunch, the headstart person comes to my
class and gets the K4's. They were in a line up and then it was
quiet. Since I was teaching math I didn't really think anything of
it. Then, the librarian came and said she saw them walking down the
road by themselves. Ha ha! They had decided to take themselves to
headstart by themselves. Ha ha ha! So I said, "Can you stay in here
for a minute?" and I went running down the road in my sandals (because they are that comfortable, even high heeled as such). I caught up to them and brought them back to school, while out of breath lecturing them to NEVER LEAVE THE ROOM without me seeing a parent or the headstart person. Ha ha! Way to lose the children Muss. Anyway, back to the shoes. Since they were covered in mud, because of the rain, I had to put back on the hobbling high heels. And since then I have looked cute hobbling around. Well, maybe not so cute.

Meaning to

2006-05-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to find the time to post this. I have quit my job teaching and have purchased a business.

Here's to life changing decisions.

It wasn't too late

2006-05-09T17:22:00.000-07:00

Holy cow. Okay. It wasn't too late and now everything is happening really fast and it seems to be good except I can't sleep at night again and I have broken out in a full body rash.

Well well

2006-05-07T07:22:00.000-07:00

I have known in my life that I need to make some changes for sometime. I spent a great deal of time thinking about how to change and just not knowing how to start. I knew many things I didn't want to change or have to do to change (ex. no more post-secondary education to just have another job that I wouldn't like), but not exactly what I needed.

Yesterday I may have found something. Something big. It may be too late, but I am still going for it. I will post it if I fail or if I don't, but right now I don't want to say anymore about it, in case I jinx it.

I am jumping in with both feet first though, not head first.