Still lost
I still think about the suicide of my friend a great deal. Carlo Spinazzola was a great man, a great artist, and a great friend. I miss him a great deal.
Part of what I think about is where suicide fits into things. I know I am a proponent of euthanasia of people when they have a physical disease, such as cancer, if they choose it. I think in certain cases suicide is euthanasia. It is just a different kind of pain. I know Carlo had been suffering for a long time, for most of his life in fact. I don't think this was a spur of the moment choice for him. I think it took him a long time to come to this again and I believe this was his choice to end his pain.
When I told my class I had to leave to go home because my friend had died, had killed himself, one student promptly told me that he was in hell. While I don't believe in a heaven or hell, this still disturbed me. I don't want people who choose to end their lives, because of physical or mental pain, to end up in some kind of bad energy place. And who makes these calls anyway? If a guy is driving drunk and crashes into a tree and dies it was an accident, but it was kind of suicide in a way. I can't think of Carlo in a place of torment, or fluxing in some kind of bad energy, or not being able to be re-born, or whatever my belief about life after death is at the moment. He was a good person. He did everything he could to make people's lives better. He was suffering and he choose to end that suffering.
I respect him and the choice he made.
My father had to drive 2 hours to come and get me when I flew out of here to get out when I heard about Carlo. In our family, my father and me are the only two that have experienced the death of a person we knew by suicide.
My dad's roommate killed himself when my dad was away at work. My dad walked into the hotel room they were sharing (they were there on a job) and slipped in his brains. My dad said he thought suicide was catching and he struggled with his feelings about this suicide, even though he didn't know this man that well, for 1 1/2 years. He had my mom and I was under two years old and until that point he had never really thought of suicide.
We talked about that on the ride back to Prince George. He shocked me and hurt me deeply when at one point he strongly said, "Suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do. They are only thinking of themselves." except he said it in a more toxic way, but this is the general idea. I knew Carlo was not selfish at all. I knew that this statement had nothing to do with Carlo at all and it hurt me that he thought this. He had met Carlo briefly when they had visited me in the fall but did not get to know him and see that he was not selfish. He also said I could talk to him anytime about this, but when he said that I knew that I couldn't. I knew we didn't have the same beliefs about it but I was unable to formulate my thoughts at that point.
Sometimes, I come into work and sit and listen to songs that I downloaded around the time of Carlo's death. Some are his, ones that friend's posted after his death. Some are off of a blog I sometimes visit. In my mind I call them my suicide tracks. If I listen to them, they always bring up emotions. On the weekends I often listen to them and cry. My ex gave me all Carlo's CDs, but I cannot listen to them, not up here while all alone anyway, but I want to hear his voice and his thoughts and his views, and that is the only way I can right now.
Part of what I think about is where suicide fits into things. I know I am a proponent of euthanasia of people when they have a physical disease, such as cancer, if they choose it. I think in certain cases suicide is euthanasia. It is just a different kind of pain. I know Carlo had been suffering for a long time, for most of his life in fact. I don't think this was a spur of the moment choice for him. I think it took him a long time to come to this again and I believe this was his choice to end his pain.
When I told my class I had to leave to go home because my friend had died, had killed himself, one student promptly told me that he was in hell. While I don't believe in a heaven or hell, this still disturbed me. I don't want people who choose to end their lives, because of physical or mental pain, to end up in some kind of bad energy place. And who makes these calls anyway? If a guy is driving drunk and crashes into a tree and dies it was an accident, but it was kind of suicide in a way. I can't think of Carlo in a place of torment, or fluxing in some kind of bad energy, or not being able to be re-born, or whatever my belief about life after death is at the moment. He was a good person. He did everything he could to make people's lives better. He was suffering and he choose to end that suffering.
I respect him and the choice he made.
My father had to drive 2 hours to come and get me when I flew out of here to get out when I heard about Carlo. In our family, my father and me are the only two that have experienced the death of a person we knew by suicide.
My dad's roommate killed himself when my dad was away at work. My dad walked into the hotel room they were sharing (they were there on a job) and slipped in his brains. My dad said he thought suicide was catching and he struggled with his feelings about this suicide, even though he didn't know this man that well, for 1 1/2 years. He had my mom and I was under two years old and until that point he had never really thought of suicide.
We talked about that on the ride back to Prince George. He shocked me and hurt me deeply when at one point he strongly said, "Suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do. They are only thinking of themselves." except he said it in a more toxic way, but this is the general idea. I knew Carlo was not selfish at all. I knew that this statement had nothing to do with Carlo at all and it hurt me that he thought this. He had met Carlo briefly when they had visited me in the fall but did not get to know him and see that he was not selfish. He also said I could talk to him anytime about this, but when he said that I knew that I couldn't. I knew we didn't have the same beliefs about it but I was unable to formulate my thoughts at that point.
Sometimes, I come into work and sit and listen to songs that I downloaded around the time of Carlo's death. Some are his, ones that friend's posted after his death. Some are off of a blog I sometimes visit. In my mind I call them my suicide tracks. If I listen to them, they always bring up emotions. On the weekends I often listen to them and cry. My ex gave me all Carlo's CDs, but I cannot listen to them, not up here while all alone anyway, but I want to hear his voice and his thoughts and his views, and that is the only way I can right now.
posted by Muss at 11:26 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home