Another Try
So today, while at a friend's house playing with Barbie's, I really realized what a skank ho Barbie is. I mean I knew she was. I have seen the literature, heard the feminist talk, and have even read a book. But I hadn't really looked at her since I packed her away and oh my! What a ho. The one I was playing with had a really large head and asian eyes and big pouty lips. Her dress was really short and had a lace insert over the breast so they were, you know, basically hanging out, which they did even without the lace because it kept slipping off.
A side effect of my accident just recently noticed: I get lost. All the time. I never used to get lost. In fact I had a noted sense of direction. After going someplace once I could find my way back there again. Now I need a map drawn for me and I need to follow it multiple times of leaving the same place. And, sometimes I still forget how to get home and where I live. What the hell.
What else has been going on with me? Well, I have actually felt a real need to post about stuff, which, as you know, means nothing is really happening in my life. Lots of things are happening, just emotionally I feel fine.
I am currently living in Surrey with a good friend. I must say, I don't really like it. I am not doing any of the fun city things I associate with being in a city and I am surrounded by concrete, noise and cars. It is not fun. My dog hates it too and pukes just about daily from lack of exercise and fresh air I am presuming. I can barely even see the mountains. I need to see mountains and better yet feel them (or whatever). I am no where near a large body of water either. To top it all off I am barely working either. In fact, I am in such poor financial shape that I am really thinking of packing it all in and going to live with my mommy (oh, how cute of your 30 year old child to return home). We will see. I certainly must move out of this condo/townhouse though. I cannot afford the rent.
I have been spending a lot of time with another good friend of mine. I think I had a void inside me that I created over the past few years of living away from everyone I know and now I am just trying to fill that void with ... something? I just sit in her presence and I somehow get something out of it. She enjoys spending time with me too, she is more relaxed, I think. At least she seems to be.
I have also made some plans in my life, once I get out of this Surrey. These plans are for my career (ha ha! I am actually thinking in these terms now) as well as for my private life. I think I have actually given up on ever finding someone I want to spend my life with. Given up sounds so depressing. In fact, that whole second last sentence seems depressing and it really isn't. After a long talk with one of my friends who is in a similiar situation as me (starting career, single, having to move) I have just decided I don't want to wait around to find someone to share my life with. If someone comes along, great! But if not, I can do what I want and live how I want and where I want without it and it will be a full life. Hence, the start of a realistic 5 year plan, MY 5 year plan. Not a hypothetical 5 year plan if I find someone to share with. Nice for me.
I have also found myself in a 'the grass is always greener on the other side' situation. Part of why I wanted to move out of the North was to do big city things. Part of the reason I liked it in the north was the quiet and the peace. I need that. I can't handle of the white noise in the city and I don't just mean the noise of white noise. I mean all the emotional white noise too. I am not saying that there weren't f*ed up people in the north, but I could alwasy find a place to be away from them if my circuits needed to be free. Here there is no place away from all other people. I can't deal with the emotional needs of all these people. I feel for the people with no homes and no food. I feel for the freaked out teenager who is a craphead superficial creep. And I feel it. I feel a lot more pain since I have been down here too. I know I try to take on people's pain. I started to feel this in the summer when I was working on people and I would start hurting. I would ask them if their whatever hurt and it did and my whatever corresponded. What mumbo-jumbo, but still, my brain is getting fried.
Even though I didn't get a lot of variety of vegetables or get to see my family, my life, if I had some situations changed, was very different up there. Quiet. I could do yoga and eat well (really I could and did a bit). My dog could run. I could live with my cats. I loved my job, for the most part, and the children I worked with. Look! Look! The grass is always greener on the other side. Am I forgetting the absolute isolation? Am I forgetting working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day? Am I forgetting the psychotic guy who scared the hell out of me? Am I forgetting getting a weird skin infection and having to be flown out? Am I forgetting the trust that the people in my workplace had in me? Am I forgetting the confidence I helped put back into those kids? Am I forgetting the drinking? Am I forgetting the gas sniffing? Am I forgetting the molestation?
I don't know. I don't think I am.
I just cut myself on a carton of stackable lays. Nice. Or some kind of stackable chip that isn't pringles.
A side effect of my accident just recently noticed: I get lost. All the time. I never used to get lost. In fact I had a noted sense of direction. After going someplace once I could find my way back there again. Now I need a map drawn for me and I need to follow it multiple times of leaving the same place. And, sometimes I still forget how to get home and where I live. What the hell.
What else has been going on with me? Well, I have actually felt a real need to post about stuff, which, as you know, means nothing is really happening in my life. Lots of things are happening, just emotionally I feel fine.
I am currently living in Surrey with a good friend. I must say, I don't really like it. I am not doing any of the fun city things I associate with being in a city and I am surrounded by concrete, noise and cars. It is not fun. My dog hates it too and pukes just about daily from lack of exercise and fresh air I am presuming. I can barely even see the mountains. I need to see mountains and better yet feel them (or whatever). I am no where near a large body of water either. To top it all off I am barely working either. In fact, I am in such poor financial shape that I am really thinking of packing it all in and going to live with my mommy (oh, how cute of your 30 year old child to return home). We will see. I certainly must move out of this condo/townhouse though. I cannot afford the rent.
I have been spending a lot of time with another good friend of mine. I think I had a void inside me that I created over the past few years of living away from everyone I know and now I am just trying to fill that void with ... something? I just sit in her presence and I somehow get something out of it. She enjoys spending time with me too, she is more relaxed, I think. At least she seems to be.
I have also made some plans in my life, once I get out of this Surrey. These plans are for my career (ha ha! I am actually thinking in these terms now) as well as for my private life. I think I have actually given up on ever finding someone I want to spend my life with. Given up sounds so depressing. In fact, that whole second last sentence seems depressing and it really isn't. After a long talk with one of my friends who is in a similiar situation as me (starting career, single, having to move) I have just decided I don't want to wait around to find someone to share my life with. If someone comes along, great! But if not, I can do what I want and live how I want and where I want without it and it will be a full life. Hence, the start of a realistic 5 year plan, MY 5 year plan. Not a hypothetical 5 year plan if I find someone to share with. Nice for me.
I have also found myself in a 'the grass is always greener on the other side' situation. Part of why I wanted to move out of the North was to do big city things. Part of the reason I liked it in the north was the quiet and the peace. I need that. I can't handle of the white noise in the city and I don't just mean the noise of white noise. I mean all the emotional white noise too. I am not saying that there weren't f*ed up people in the north, but I could alwasy find a place to be away from them if my circuits needed to be free. Here there is no place away from all other people. I can't deal with the emotional needs of all these people. I feel for the people with no homes and no food. I feel for the freaked out teenager who is a craphead superficial creep. And I feel it. I feel a lot more pain since I have been down here too. I know I try to take on people's pain. I started to feel this in the summer when I was working on people and I would start hurting. I would ask them if their whatever hurt and it did and my whatever corresponded. What mumbo-jumbo, but still, my brain is getting fried.
Even though I didn't get a lot of variety of vegetables or get to see my family, my life, if I had some situations changed, was very different up there. Quiet. I could do yoga and eat well (really I could and did a bit). My dog could run. I could live with my cats. I loved my job, for the most part, and the children I worked with. Look! Look! The grass is always greener on the other side. Am I forgetting the absolute isolation? Am I forgetting working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day? Am I forgetting the psychotic guy who scared the hell out of me? Am I forgetting getting a weird skin infection and having to be flown out? Am I forgetting the trust that the people in my workplace had in me? Am I forgetting the confidence I helped put back into those kids? Am I forgetting the drinking? Am I forgetting the gas sniffing? Am I forgetting the molestation?
I don't know. I don't think I am.
I just cut myself on a carton of stackable lays. Nice. Or some kind of stackable chip that isn't pringles.
posted by Muss at 6:28 pm
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