Pop!
Yesterday I popped a blood vessel in my right eye (I know it's my right eye because it is on the same side as the hand that I write with). It isn't that bad. I've had worse where people can't stand to look at my eye because it is so red and bloody. This isn't that noticeable. I have no idea how I did it. My ex suggested it was because I cried so hard at the funeral but I didn't. My mother was there and I do not cry in front of my parents.
We went to the funeral yesterday. It snowed and was foggy both on the way there and back. The trip took 2.75 hours, and that isn't too much longer than it normally takes. Apparently I slept for about 2 hours on the way there and 2 hours on the way back. My mom says I am boring to travel with. The funeral service was long but it was okay. It was not too religious, although at the beginning it really was. Religion is not comforting to me and I sat there trying to tie the choices in hymns and prayers to this death, but I couldn't see any connection.
I managed to get a hold of my ex and I was able to leave my dog with him all day while I was gone. I felt good about that. At least our dogs can still be friends and he told met that my dog had a really good day. She got to play with her 'sister' and play and play and run around outside. Apparently she tried to put on a tough act with her for a while, then just gave up and played like a puppy.
I had another harsh sleep in the basement. I cannot live in here. I think I would die. I can't sleep for not being able to breath. The air quality in this town is very poor, which makes everything worse. This house is dusty, which always makes it hard for me to breath. And my poor cats. I can't be allergic to them. I can't stand it if I am. Itchy eyes, plugged up sinuses, poor sleeping. Poor me and poor cats. My mom is already trying to give away my cats, which I think is a little premature. Maybe I should be around cats in a place that isn't dusty and have such poor air quality before I do that.
I have been having dreams since I have been here. Prior to the rape dreama and after, I have not been having dreams. Last night I had a lovely dream about buying books for my university classes and scuba diving. I think I am ready to dive again, as I am not afraid of death. I have my advanced diving ticket and I think that I was the only one in my diving class that hated diving. The first dive I did, I started freaking out when I thought about how many tonnes of water were above my head and how I was relying on a man-made device to breath. The instructor had to grab me and control me while I had what would I guess be a panic attack. I managed to finish the dive after surfacing and being yelled at and thrown against some rocks. I also lost my ring when my hand got stuck on a rock. That night I couldn't sleep. Everytime I tried I would think I was underwater and losing consciousness because I didn't have any oxygen. I managed to finish the course. For the advanced part of the course, you had several options you could choose. My friend and I decided to choose a night dive option as well some other ones. We had heard that because you use flashlights you could see the vivid colours of the fish and corals much better. So down we went. And it was exactly like I thought death would be. Oh my god. 4 people from our group got lost so the instructor and dive masters had to go after them, leaving the rest of our group at a place on the floor. I commenced to freak the hell out and hyperventilate. The only thing that stopped me from going into a complete panic attack was that I was holding onto my friend's leg and shining my flashlight at the sea urchins on the ground, which gave me some kind of grounding. When the other members of our group returned, the instructor noticed, of course, that I was freaked the hell out and not very much in control of myself. He gave me a task to do, with my friend, so I could focus on something else. One of the lost and now found members of our group managed to kick my flipper off and I was unable to swim. I then got escorted back to the ship by a very handsome dive master. I shone my flashlight at the ground for as long as I could see it. Little fish came and nibbled on me. I started to freak out when I couldn't see anything anymore and was just floating in nothing (not really, the dive master had a firm grip on me and was taking me upward). I was very relieved to see the bottom of that boat. I haven't dived since but I think it is time that I started to look into again.
We went to the funeral yesterday. It snowed and was foggy both on the way there and back. The trip took 2.75 hours, and that isn't too much longer than it normally takes. Apparently I slept for about 2 hours on the way there and 2 hours on the way back. My mom says I am boring to travel with. The funeral service was long but it was okay. It was not too religious, although at the beginning it really was. Religion is not comforting to me and I sat there trying to tie the choices in hymns and prayers to this death, but I couldn't see any connection.
I managed to get a hold of my ex and I was able to leave my dog with him all day while I was gone. I felt good about that. At least our dogs can still be friends and he told met that my dog had a really good day. She got to play with her 'sister' and play and play and run around outside. Apparently she tried to put on a tough act with her for a while, then just gave up and played like a puppy.
I had another harsh sleep in the basement. I cannot live in here. I think I would die. I can't sleep for not being able to breath. The air quality in this town is very poor, which makes everything worse. This house is dusty, which always makes it hard for me to breath. And my poor cats. I can't be allergic to them. I can't stand it if I am. Itchy eyes, plugged up sinuses, poor sleeping. Poor me and poor cats. My mom is already trying to give away my cats, which I think is a little premature. Maybe I should be around cats in a place that isn't dusty and have such poor air quality before I do that.
I have been having dreams since I have been here. Prior to the rape dreama and after, I have not been having dreams. Last night I had a lovely dream about buying books for my university classes and scuba diving. I think I am ready to dive again, as I am not afraid of death. I have my advanced diving ticket and I think that I was the only one in my diving class that hated diving. The first dive I did, I started freaking out when I thought about how many tonnes of water were above my head and how I was relying on a man-made device to breath. The instructor had to grab me and control me while I had what would I guess be a panic attack. I managed to finish the dive after surfacing and being yelled at and thrown against some rocks. I also lost my ring when my hand got stuck on a rock. That night I couldn't sleep. Everytime I tried I would think I was underwater and losing consciousness because I didn't have any oxygen. I managed to finish the course. For the advanced part of the course, you had several options you could choose. My friend and I decided to choose a night dive option as well some other ones. We had heard that because you use flashlights you could see the vivid colours of the fish and corals much better. So down we went. And it was exactly like I thought death would be. Oh my god. 4 people from our group got lost so the instructor and dive masters had to go after them, leaving the rest of our group at a place on the floor. I commenced to freak the hell out and hyperventilate. The only thing that stopped me from going into a complete panic attack was that I was holding onto my friend's leg and shining my flashlight at the sea urchins on the ground, which gave me some kind of grounding. When the other members of our group returned, the instructor noticed, of course, that I was freaked the hell out and not very much in control of myself. He gave me a task to do, with my friend, so I could focus on something else. One of the lost and now found members of our group managed to kick my flipper off and I was unable to swim. I then got escorted back to the ship by a very handsome dive master. I shone my flashlight at the ground for as long as I could see it. Little fish came and nibbled on me. I started to freak out when I couldn't see anything anymore and was just floating in nothing (not really, the dive master had a firm grip on me and was taking me upward). I was very relieved to see the bottom of that boat. I haven't dived since but I think it is time that I started to look into again.
posted by Muss at 5:05 pm
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