Note to Self

When boobs are huge from water retention, don't buy clothes. Water is not only being retained in breasts.

So I spent the whole day pulling up my pants ... and trying to learn what salads, wines, beers, options, we had. I am already on the inside and they want me to work in their office as well (pay per hour more, lots of work, medical and dental, regular hours) as well as their lounge (pay per hour less, tips, crappier hours). I am so tired I just want to fall over. Why don't I go to bed? Because I haven't eaten yet and I am trying to make myself stay up to eat. But I am not eating. Sometimes not eating is better than eating.

I am torn, not by this job, but by what I am going to do with my life. It seems crazy to me now that I am fighting, trying to get back into this profession that I knew was only a stopping point for me. Why not move on then? Of course I am not ready. My plan is all screwed up. Gradually easing my way out when I had the other things lined up, things which I am not ready for, not prepared, couldn't handle. So now, to get back on that track, I am clawing my way back in, feeling more and more like a loser about it too.

So tomorrow again, I put my made-up face on, wear my hair all shiny and pretty, laugh at foolish things, make myself so acceptable, so presentable, so hidden from view as normal as can be.