Love
When I was younger and more of an idealist, of course, I thought I knew it all. And maybe I did, but I didn't know how to make it into a practical application. As I lay awake last night, and for the many nights that my insomnia has come back, I was thinking about love, as objectively as I could.
I have loved, I know. Each of the people I was with long-term, I loved, in a different way. I thought I did. I know I did. But there I was 23 and did not have much experience in the way of long term love behind me. I think I fell in love with somebody then. I didn't really think it was any different from my other long term people, except they were over and this was now. But now I think it was different. I think I loved that person completely with all of myself, but that isn't really right either. I love other people with all of my being too. It was more than that somehow. He loved me too, I know he did. And it went on for four years, then I had enough. He loved me, but not in the same way I loved him. He loved me in the way I had loved my previous long term lovers. In that way we were different, he was able to look at the relationship more objectionally, take steps back from it to look at it, at himself and who he was in it. He also could look at outside influences too. I could not. But I guess I could, because as I said I had to leave after 4 years. Not because he was cruel. Not because he used me and took advantage of that. But because I wasn't his everything, like he was to me. Except he wasn't, that makes me sound weak. I was never weak. I have never needed someone to be my other half or make me whole.
After I left him for real, for certain, forever and he knew it, he broke.
Well, for 2 years anyway, then he wasn't broken anymore and now is either engaged still or married. Not the point.
I moved on when I thought I was ready and the opportunity presented itself. I wasn't ready and it didn't work out too well. But I loved him. I tried to have it work.
I took a bigger break after that, I put myself into exile, literally, so no new thing could start and when I was truly truly done and over it all, someone found me.
I do love him.
But he loves me in the way I loved the boy I fell for at 23. He loves me so much. I can see myself mirrored in it, the way I loved that boy.
I love him but not in the way he loves me. I love him in the way I have loved all my long term partners, a true love, a real love, but still not with the same intensity.
Is this fair to him? Will one day I have to leave him because I am not his everything, like I am to him. He will not leave me over it.
He is a whole person. He was fine without me. He was happy. He isn't clingy. It isn't like that.
Because of my past experience with the boy, I know that this love doesn't exist between two people just because one has it. But are we to keep looking until that big love is found from both partners? Is loving someone enough?
I have loved, I know. Each of the people I was with long-term, I loved, in a different way. I thought I did. I know I did. But there I was 23 and did not have much experience in the way of long term love behind me. I think I fell in love with somebody then. I didn't really think it was any different from my other long term people, except they were over and this was now. But now I think it was different. I think I loved that person completely with all of myself, but that isn't really right either. I love other people with all of my being too. It was more than that somehow. He loved me too, I know he did. And it went on for four years, then I had enough. He loved me, but not in the same way I loved him. He loved me in the way I had loved my previous long term lovers. In that way we were different, he was able to look at the relationship more objectionally, take steps back from it to look at it, at himself and who he was in it. He also could look at outside influences too. I could not. But I guess I could, because as I said I had to leave after 4 years. Not because he was cruel. Not because he used me and took advantage of that. But because I wasn't his everything, like he was to me. Except he wasn't, that makes me sound weak. I was never weak. I have never needed someone to be my other half or make me whole.
After I left him for real, for certain, forever and he knew it, he broke.
Well, for 2 years anyway, then he wasn't broken anymore and now is either engaged still or married. Not the point.
I moved on when I thought I was ready and the opportunity presented itself. I wasn't ready and it didn't work out too well. But I loved him. I tried to have it work.
I took a bigger break after that, I put myself into exile, literally, so no new thing could start and when I was truly truly done and over it all, someone found me.
I do love him.
But he loves me in the way I loved the boy I fell for at 23. He loves me so much. I can see myself mirrored in it, the way I loved that boy.
I love him but not in the way he loves me. I love him in the way I have loved all my long term partners, a true love, a real love, but still not with the same intensity.
Is this fair to him? Will one day I have to leave him because I am not his everything, like I am to him. He will not leave me over it.
He is a whole person. He was fine without me. He was happy. He isn't clingy. It isn't like that.
Because of my past experience with the boy, I know that this love doesn't exist between two people just because one has it. But are we to keep looking until that big love is found from both partners? Is loving someone enough?
posted by Muss at 12:17 pm
3 Comments:
Love is family. Whoever feels ike your family, you love. There was never a lightning bolt for me. She felt like family before I realized it. But she is my family.
This is all I really know for certain about love so I can't be more helpful. Everything else is muddled and confusing, having no irrefutable truths.
That is problematic for me too. I have spent half my life trying to rid myself of family (more than teenage angst), and still sometimes think I should. So, what is family then? That is another question. What does family feel like?
no truths here either...i have no idea what family should feel like. i only know what healthy (generally) feels like due to having worked so hard at understanding how it's supposed to look.
trying to remember a line from The Mexican: when do you get to the point where enough is enough? never.
perhaps that's it. the just not giving up part. as in, it's lasted their whole lives because neither did. or neither did at the same time. who knows. maybe we only understand once we're much, much older :)
i once met an american couple. they'd been married for decades. "how did you two do it?", i asked, impressed.
replied the old lady: "fighting all the way!"
so i guess it looks different to different people.
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