I move.

Be back soon.

How dare

the insidious flu bug infect the blog world, spreading through our computers. What mutation allowed this sickness to be transported via the web? The small viral capsid transpires against us and has found a new way to spread, allowing us all to its mucusy immune system responses. What protein enzymatic reaction has altered from inactivity without its cell host to rapid transportation through cables and satellites?
Foul indeed.

Please Excuse

All spelling and grammar mistakes. It seems my brain is now becoming confused and forgetting the rules. I had to look up abuser, because I had spelled it abusor and although it didn't quite look right, it didn't look wrong either.

Dogs #3 and #4

Dogs #3 and #4 were brothers, border collie crosses who raced every vehicle that went by. They hung out at the school I was teaching at a lot. One of my students had gotten them from a farmer about a year earlier and they just hadn't stayed home with him. His reason was, "I guess they didn't like the Kibbles and Bits I bought them to eat" (no no, it was that you didn't provide them with the pack they needed, so they went out and joined one of the packs that roamed the reserve). One was quickly called Gimpy as he had a limp and one of his eyelids was torn back. They were as skinny as hell, most likely from not eating and all the running they did. I started feeding them on my front porch. My neighbour in the other half of the duplex I stayed in starting feeding them and took them in. They became his dogs. One day a couple months later they had raced along with his car to work, as they usually did, hung around the school, and the slightly crippled one got ripped apart and eaten by a pack of Rottweilers. The RCMP shot all of that pack of Rottweilers after viewing the survelance tape. The other dog was not hurt, although was covered in blood and implicated in the death of his brother, which the tapes proved he wasn't in on and so his life was spared. He happily lived and raced with my neighbour, never putting on any weight despite frequent de-wormings and vet checks, until October of next year when a visiting mentor artist asked if she could take him to live on her farm. My friend deliberated on this for quite some time before letting this dog go. It was a great relief for me to hear that the dog was at a good home, especially after my friend killed himself. I was worried that the dog would be left to fend for itself on the reserve again.

Dog #2

In moving to a place in the middle of nowhere with a completely different culture than me, I was amazed at the mass of stray dogs wandering around. I soon met people up there and began tutoring an RCMP officer in calculus. He and his girlfriend had two dogs, one a female that came into heat just as they moved up there. The dog was raped by every male dog that could get through the fence and had a litter of many different looking puppies. They tried to find homes for all the dogs outside of the reserve, but 2 puppies were left. I tell myself I did rescue this dog too, because if it had ended up having to be given away to someone on the reserve, it's maximum life span was a year. If it managed to survive puppyhood by eating garbage and dead animals littered around, it would have been shot when she went into heat. This dog came home with me and I told my at the time boyfriend that it was his birthday present and when he moved up with me he could have her. Really I got it for myself and to keep my dog company. This dog was a bonehead. It took months to teach her to sit and she was a poop machine. I had to set my stove timer for 15 minutes and take her out every 15 minutes to pee, and every third time she pooped too. I was very glad when he moved up and could take over that chore. When we broke up he took her with her and she is happily living with him and his parents now.
This dog and dog#1 probably saved my life inumerate times as I was living above a crazy (literally crazy) lady who was an alcholic and substance abuser who had been arrested for stabbing people before. She had decided I was the bane of her existence and hated me. I often feared for my safety, thinking she would burn down the house or succeed in her attempts to break into my dwelling. But she was terrified of dogs. At one point she accused dog #2 (still a puppy) of biting her daughter. This was impossible for 2 main reasons: since she had threatened to kill my dogs, I never let them out of my sight, which meant when they were outside they were tied up to my front door and I would have noticed someone on my porch, and she didn't have a daughter.

Dog #1

Arrived in a run-down place not knowing anyone. Teachers had been feeding a dog that was hanging around their place, but didn't want to continue because they had ordered a puppy and it was coming soon. Dog was called 'Scruffy' by them because of her appearance. I went and picked up the dog, some dog food, and went home. Dog kept returning to old place, so I started keeping her in the house more with me. Dog ate like a pig, was skinny, and was hard to deal with. After 2 or 3 weeks I took the dog to the vet to get her shots, get her de-wormed, and get her spayed, as she was obviously old enough for this to be done too. Vet said she was pregnant and wisked her in the back to spay her before I could even think about it. Apparently, she would have given birth in 2 or 3 more weeks. Dog came home without worms and skinny as hell. Dog tried to viciously attack a puppy belonging to a little boy. Was on leash and was restrained by it barely. Boy didn't understand and was in danger and getting in between dog and puppy. Dog was sent to a professional dog trainer and behaviouralist to assess viciousness of dog and to see if she could be controlled or would have to be put down. Dog came back trainable, but dog was still a mess with other dogs. Dog went for more training and went on pills to control seperation anxiety she developed. Dog is with me everyday and I couldn't live without her now. She is also frequently referred to as a beautiful dog. Found out later she was going to be shot the day after I took her in.

Talent

I have a talent.

I can take headaches away. So you never knew you had one to begin with. Migraines I am not so good at, but I can make it into a normal headache that can be taken away with drugs and rest.

Sometimes I need help to do this. Sometimes I need a third person.

Sometimes I am greedy with my talent, letting people suffer before I help them, or choosing not to help them. Sometimes I make them ask me for help again and again. Sometimes taking away the headaches takes too much out of me. Sometimes I can't handle the reasons why the headaches came in the first place.

Voice

Sing my admiration to the masses.
Sing my songs. Sing my wishes.
Sing until your lungs collapse and breath it back into me.
So I can sing my songs and your lungs will fill again.

The Big C Grill

"What? ... What's this? ... Feel this."
"Huh."
"What do you think that is? ... Do you think it's a lump?"
"I don't know."
"It feels like it could be ... a lump?"
"Maybe."
"What the hell? A lump?"
"Maybe you should go and see a doctor."

"So I found a lump ..."
"Take yoru shirt off and put on this gown, open at the front. I'll be back in a minute."
"Okay."
...
"Where is it?"
"Right here."
"At your age it's probably a ccyst. Cysts are quite common. They're filled with fluid. I'll get the secretary to make an appointment for you at the ultra-sound clinic. They'll do a scan and find it. Then insert a needle and drain it right there."
"A cyst?"
"Phone tomorrow and the receptionist will tell you when the appointment is."
"Thank you."

"He thinks it's a cyst."
"Is that bad?"
"No, a cyst is just filled with fluid. It just needs to be drained. I go in to get an ultasound in a week in a half. They'll drain it right there."

"So the doctor thinks this lump is a cyst."
"Well that's good."
"Yeah, ... I go in for an ultrasound in a week. They'll drain it there."
"Hm."

"Lay on the table. I'll just move the gown aside ... The gel is a little cold ... there ... just relax"
...
...
...!
Tension. Apprehension.
"You need to make an appointment to see your doctor as soon as possible."

"So it isn't a cyst."
"It isn't! You said it was."
"I said the doctor said it probably was."
"How do you know then, did you go to the doctor again?"
"No."
"Then how do you know?"
"They didn't drain it. He said they would drain it."
"Maybe it's something else."
"You think? It's a lump. It's not a cyst. I have a lump."

"Well, this lump, it is not fluid filled. It's solid."
"Solid ..."
"It doesn't mean it's malignant. Most lumps are benign."
"Malignant?"
"No, it's most likely benign. You're young. You're healthy. Sometimes people just develop lumps. I would like you to see a surgeon though."
"Oh."
"The surgeon will want a biopsy done before he decides what to do next."
"Next?"
"Well, if it's benign, he will have to decide if it needs to stay or go."
"If it's benign."
"It's most likely benign."

"I asked you both to meet with me because I have to tell you something. I have a lump in my breast and they don't know if it is benign or malignant. I might have to take some time off work for appointments and ... I don't know."
"Take whatever you need."
"Let us know if you need anything."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, ... I'm okay. I think I'm a little scared. I think this is the first time it has really hit me."
"It's scary. My wife had a lump and had to have part of her breast removed, but it's okay. She's okay now."
"If you need to talk, I'm there."
"Okay, thanks."

"Did you know that they can tell 90% of the time whether a lump is benign or malignant in an ultrasound?"
"What does that mean?"
"That means it might be in the 10% of the time they can't tell or ... well, you know ..."
"Oh ... when will you know?"
"I go to the surgeon in two weeks."

"Why have you been avoiding me?"
"What? No ..."
"You haven't talked to me in days."
"Uh, ..."
"You know, you aren't in high school anymore. If you don't want to be with me, just say so."
"Uh , .. well, you know ..."

"I'm so happy to be finally graduating. What's new with you?"
"I have a lump in my breast. They don't know if it's benign or malignant. I have to get a biopsy."
"What?"
"Yeah, not looking too good."
"Jeez, if it can happen to you, it can happen to anyone. You're so healthy."

"First I will talk to you and tell you what is likely to happen. Then I will examine you. With the results I have gotten so far I think the best thing to do is get a biopsy done. This will tell us more about what it is. At this stage we cannot say whether it is benign or malignant but there is a good chance it is still benign."
"Oh."
"Please go into the other room and take off your shirt. You can wear the paper gown, please, open at the front."
...
"Where is the lump?"
"Other breast ..."
"Can you find it first?"
"Okay ... here."
"Hmmm ... okay. You can get dressed. My receptionist will phone you with the biopsy appointment. Please make sure she has the correct phone number and an alternative one."
"Okay. Thank you."

"I have to get a biopsy done. The appointment is in about a month."
"A month! What the hell? Don't they have anything a little sooner? You'd kind of think that this is important."
"No. That's the soonest .. can you go with me? They have to give me an anesthetic and I'm not supposed to drive after ... I guess that means bikes too."
"Of course .. well, we'll see. I can or my sister will. One of us for sure."
"Okay thanks."

(really loud yelling meaning I'm really tired of you walking around the house ignoring my yelling at you which turns into ...)
"It's only cancer! Get over it!"

"Thank you for coming to take me to my appointment. I'll just go brush my teeth. I'll be right down."
"You must be her friend ..."
(gagging upstairs)
"I'll be so glad when she's gone. It will be such a relief."
"Uh ..."
"Thanks for waiting. I'm ready to go."
"Uh, .. your roommate is kind of a bitch."

"Hi. I have an appointment for a biopsy at 2:00"
"Your name and care card."
"Here."
...
"You're not scheduled."
"What? Yes I am. July 4 at 2:00"
"No. I don't have you down."
"There must be some mistake ..."
"Oh I see, your appointment was on July 2 at 4:00."
"No."
"Yes. I have it here."
"Oh crap. I'm sorry. Do you have anything else available?"
"No. We are solidly booked."
"What about cancellations?"
"Nope. Besides, we are running a bit behind today so I can't fit you in."
"When is your next available appointment?"
"July 27, 2:30"
"Oh ..."
"Nothing sooner, not even if someone cancels?"
"No, we don't have a waiting list."
"Okay, I'll take that spot. I'm sorry I missed my last one."
"Do you need an appointment card?"

"It's okay ..."
"No, it's not okay. How fucking stupid of me. I'm such an idiot! Thanks for the ride though."
"It was just a mistake."
"But about something like this! I want to know. This is draggin out so long. I don't know what to do. If I just knew one way or the other ... isn't that your car with the tow truck there?"
"Shit!"

"It was nice talking to you. We haven't talked in so long."
"I know ..."
"Well, .."
"I have something to tell you."
"What?"
"I, uh, ... I ... have a lump."
"You do? Why didn't you say something earlier?"
"I was working up to it."
"Have you been to a doctor?"
"Yes."
"Did you really?"
"Yes I did. He thought it was a cyst but the ultrasound lady didn't drain it and freaked out."
"Are you getting a biopsy done?"
"Yeah, I went to a surgeon and he scheduled me for one and I missed the appointment ..."
"What?"
"It was an accident ... not on purpose, I'm re-scheduled .."
"I'll get you an appointment at my clinic for another ultrasound. We have better technicians and equipment. You might not need the biopsy."
"Okay. Thanks."

"Let's have a look then ..."
20 minutes.
"I want to move you to a different machine with better resolution ..."
20 minutes.
"Just wait, I want to get the radiologist in here to look at it ..."
20 minutes
"It has a characteristic shape. You need to get a biopsy done."

"... I'm holding on the 10% chance it is still benign, but the last ultrasound scared the hell out of me ..."

"I'm here for a biopsy appointment."
"Great. Go sit over there and we'll call you when we're ready. Get your gown on open at the front."
...
"Okay, I'm going to anethesize the area so you'll feel the needle going in."
Needle. Scraping. Squelching. Rubbing. Probing. Pain. Noise. Sucking. Invasion.
"You can go get dressed. Don't drive yourself home."

"I went for the biopsy."
"And ..."
"Why didn't you tell me how awful it was going to be!"
"I know. I'm sorry. But I knew you wouldn't go if I told you."

"I find out in 3 days. I have to decide if I'm going to quit my job or go back to school. If I'm going back to school the last day I can give my notice is in 4 days."
"What are you going to do?"
"Depends on what I find out from the surgeon. If I need the medical coverage I guess I won't go back to school."

"I've got the biopsy report."
"You do?"
"It says ..."
"What does that mean?"
"It's iffy. I'd wait to hear what the surgeon haas to say. When is your appointment?"
"Tomorrow."
"I'll fax this to you. Do you have a confidential fax number at your office?"
"Yes ..."

"I had to phone the pathologist to get him to explain these results. On the report it says there are a quantity of atypical cells, so I wanted to make sure."
"Oh ..."
"He said it is most typically fibroid adenoma. It is normal to have some cells showing degenerative change."
"Okay ...."
"This is good. You don't need to have the lump exised. You should keep an eye on it though."
"Oh my God. Good. Thank you."

"I have good news. I don't have cancer. I do have my written resignation though. I am quitting to go back to school."

Uh

I don't want this.

I don't want this empty fuck you say I can have.

I don't want your truths turned into lies turned into reality.

I don't want your past hurts to show up between my legs. I want to be able to choose.

I don't want all you keep back from me.

I want myself and myself and myself.