In life

My friend killed himself in October. I mentioned it briefly, but didn't go into details. Too personal. Too close. Too many things to deal with to let them out without thoroughly going through them.

I will tell you though, that the following month and a half were the hardest in my life. I left the village the weekend following his death, and returned on the following Monday. Following that weekend, I know I was losing my mind. As everyone has had, I had thoughts of killing myself, especially in the pits of despair as a teenager, but it wasn't like that. I was constantly gritting my teeth and holding my breath, tense so very tense. I was trying to hold on to something, because I knew if I let it go for a minute, I would be lost.

The first weekend that I returned to the village, my roommate left town and I had a plan. She was to return on Sunday, so I spent Saturday ... I don't even remember what I did Saturday. I think I sat in front of the computer, trying to distract myself as I cried over the death and felt my grip on reality leaving. At this point, I did not know I was losing my mind. By Sunday, I had decided that I wasn't going to be around when my roommate got back.

My father has had experience with a suicide before. He told me that he has read coroner's reports were they express their thoughts that suicide is catching. I felt like my friend had left a blazing trail of footprints for me to follow.

On Sunday I did things that I wanted to do. I organized. I painted. I watched that path become brighter and clearer. I counted on my roommate being home around 8. I planned to leave on my last walk around 6 or 7. This would not leave my animals alone too long, and she wouldn't worry about me being gone until later that night or even possibly the next morning. My painting was taking more time than I had anticipated, but that didn't matter. My roommate returned before 5. I knew she would wonder why I was going for a walk in the dark without my dog.

It is a weird thing to know you are losing your mind. I always thought it was a gradual thing, a process that because you were losing your mind, you weren't really aware of. I was intensely aware of a slip going on in my head.

The next week was a blur. I kept busy. I tried not to think. I worked hard, harder than I usually work, to try and occupy my mind, I guess, in an attempt not to look too hard for those footprints. Then it was the weekend and I spiralled down again. It was at this point I started to realize I was going through more than mourning.

I spent the whole weekend wishing I had a gun, or trying to determine how I could get access to a gun. I didn't take my dog for a walk. I was very scared I would just lay down in the snow and never get up again.

My boss was gone. Part of the reason why I hung onto my brain so hard was because of this. My roommate/co-worker was not going to be able to deal with the repercussions. I kept holding my breath and holding on to my mind. The only person I thought I would talk to this about was also out of town. I considered going to the police, the only form of emergency social services out here, but I felt that would be like admitting I wasn't serious about it.

Meanwhile, the path burned brightly and beckoned me. Anyone who knew me well, and could have seen me at that point would have immediately known something was up. I didn't sleep and I looked it. I ate the exact same thing everyday. People would phone me and I would try to elude to the fact that I was undergoing some trouble, but of course, they all were undergoing the same thing.

I made up my mind to tell the doctor when he came up. Unfortunately, I decided this soon after he left, and he wasn't due back for another month. Finally, I broke down and tried to tell my boyfriend. I do not think he truly understood how serious I was, I just kept telling him I thought I was losing my mind. He encouraged me to seek medical help, which there was no way I could. I also tried to tell my best friend, who became very worried about me.

My boss came back so things were more stable at work and I could concentrate further on myself. I became bitter that he was able to do it and I was still sitting around waiting. I wondered if I was mourning for him or mourning my own inability to take my life.

Then, one day, something changed. It was a weekday and I wasn't sure. I had to wait until the weekend to find out. Sure enough, the weekend wasn't nearly as hard. My mind had decided not to leave my head and I felt I was going to remain sane. I still have not told anyone in a healthcare profession about this. I am not sure I want to, I don't want to have a lable as being crazy or made to take pills. I am not depressed, and never felt I was during this episode. I have been depressed and it was nothing like this.

One week

Until I get out of here for a few days. 2 weeks and 1 day until I get out of here for a week. 4 months left until I get out of here for good.

In other words, a 'friend' has come out to me. Come out, not in the gay way, but come out in the I am attracted to you way. This ends our friendship, as I am uncomfortable being around someone who I think will be trying to hit on me and get me to be with them, when I am quite happy and content with who I am with.

It was kind of a one-sided friendship anyway. He would come over to my house or where I work and impose himself on me and talk to me about whatever for long periods of time, repeating the whole conversation one day to the next, and never really letting me say anything. Also, he always insulted me in small ways. I don't think he meant to, but he did. My roommate is completely fed up with this guy. I didn't think he was so bad, just a real time sucker. I thought if he needed to talk about things, probably I was one of the only people out here would listen. Other people would probably make fun of him for having feelings and such. No matter, my roommate gets infuriated at the sound of his voice. On the other hand, the guy who my roommate let put his sperm in her without any protection in any which way, I think he is worse than dirt. Good fresh dirt anyway. This guy is slime. Every time I see him he makes some kind of sexual innuendo or something, even before she was pregnant and they were just sleeping together. He is repulsive, crass, doesn't have an unimpaired thought in his head. He makes me ill just thinking about him and I do think less of her for having his penis in her body. I think WAY less of her for having his penis in her body without anything in between them.

Sometimes

I think I am just in a job. Sometimes I think I am just in a place. Sometimes I think I just have to work and the sooner I am done the better and I can leave.

Then something comes around and real people show up in my life with real things that are so hard that I have to sit back on my heels and wail as loudly as I can, just to try and get the feelings to diminish enough so that I can think about them. Life is a wheel and just how much so becomes apparent to me with startling clarity every once in a while. I don't even know what I would do if this really was my life when I am so thoroughly rocked when it isn't even me.

Rocked. Floored. Emptied. Crushed.

Pixies

Vancouver.

A Fish

Yesterday, while in a meeting, I was presented with a fish.

It is a big thing to go ice fishing right about now, and everyone is doing it. My students are infinitely excited about it all day long and can't wait until school is over so they can go. They make and change plans about who they are going to go with. They all say they are going to catch me a fish, but this is the first fish I have gotten. I usually say, when they tell me that they are going to catch me a fish, that they should make sure their families have enough before they give me one. But yesterday, I got one!

The student walks into the meeting with a fish that is just about half his length. The fish has just got clubbed on the head, so it is still kind of moving. The meeting basically stops, because who can keep talking about curriculum matters when there is a huge wet fish in the room! I mananged to get the fish into a bag and wash up and return to the meeting.

The only bad thing is that the fish is from the lake, which has elevated levels of mercury in it, and you aren't supposed to eat the fish from it.

Oh, and the other bad thing was that I had to clean it and butcher it myself. It reminded me of a squid incident that me and my SO had that put us off squid for a long time (maybe forever in my case). I don't know how to deal with this fish.

Oh wait!

I meant to update on my roommate's pregnancy as well. She is almost in her third month and is happy enough about being pregnant. It seems she has no false hopes about the drunk sleazy guy who is the father of her child. Her old weird pregnancy thing to do was to obsessively wash the dishes. Now she finds EVERY COMMERCIAL hilarious. She also pee's all the time, but that is a normal thing of pregnancy.

Oh OH! The fun!

Today, as I was called names, I asked someone to step out in the hallway. I tell you, if the universe was a fair place, capital punishment still would be allowed in school. Yes, I think I am going crazy. I would never think I would ever hit my own kid, or my dog, or my cats, yet here I am contemplating punching kids in the face that aren't even my own. Perhaps the problem is that they aren't my own and they are fucked up shits. I tell you, if it happens one more time, I may refuse to teach that class. Well, technically I can't refuse, but I can suggest that my talents would be more appreciated in my own class and that class can suck on an egg.

I took 3 students into the photocopy room today. You would have thought I would have taken them to the fair or something with how excited they were. One girl hovering near the start button, ready to press it so she could get start THE GREEN LIGHT, which was fascinating to the other kids there. That was, until they discovered pushing each other around was much more fun. One thing I need to introduce though, is silent reading. I haven't really stressed it yet but with kids reading more and more, I think it is time. It is getting too noisy.

Anyone know what happened to www.tardblog.com ? I really thought that was one funny read.

No More Links

'Cause I know they aren't working right now.

Instead, I will go a little bit into things that happened today. This morning, I had complaints of name-calling about the youngest boy in my class. When asked why he would call such names, apparently another boy, his friend the day before, said, 'Hi' to him. Quite the insult.

The boy who said hi, after art class, took his oil pastels and wrote all over the floor of the foyer. I don't know why I agreed to take a senior math class in exchange for giving up both my art and music classes, but I did it. After art class with another person, my kids are wired. The rules don't apply any more.

In Senior math today I had this conversation (keep in mind math is right after lunch):
Student: "Can I go to the washroom?"
Me: "No."
Student: "Why not?"
Me: "I need you to write this down, this isn't a good time."
Student: "I am going to piss my pants. What about you, when you were in school, did you piss your pants?"
Me: "What, did I piss my pants? Uh. No. Because I was smart and would use the bathroom at lunch and on my breaks, so no I didn't piss my pants."
Student: "yak yak complain whine complain."
Me: "Could you be quiet so the rest of the class can finish this stuff up?"
Student: "Whine complain ..."
Me: Talking over student.

Boy. I have to get off these antibiotics before I kill someone.

My week thus far

Well, I have been incommunicato this week because I have been ill. Very ill. And very cranky. After suffering from a cold, I got an infection that requires antibiotics that make me very ill. So, what is worse, painful infection or headaches/nausea/vomiting/light sensitivity/chest pains/the shakes/weird skin colouration/insomnia/excessive tiredness? You tell me. I can't decide.

Recently I read "The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs" and I must say it was very good. I receommend it. A like farces on classical fairy tales.

Oh, and for some reason my links aren't working so I did want to link to that McDonald's guy and some milk sights for back-ups there, but hey, what can I do? This is a free service and I can't complain too much.

Did you hear about that guy who only ate MacDonald's for a month and almost killed himself. Go figure.