No sleep

Last night, again, I had trouble sleeping. I think it was because I remembered to take my joint-pain stuff, which helps clean out your body of toxins. If you have a lot of toxins in your body, it keeps you up. I know I have a lot of toxins in my body, but we won't go there.
Today is the day I am going to give my notice. I can't believe it. I am going to start my out.

Life on the Rez

For someone who doesn't belong there ...
I haven't really written about what it is like to live on a native reserve. I know I can't possibly understand or know what is going on for the most part, like 99.9%, or all the crap behind it, but I have my own opinions.
This reserve is very different from the other reserve I lived on in Northern Alberta. This reserve is much smaller and seems to have less of a substance abuse problem. I am not saying that there isn't a substance abuse problem here, but there seems to be less of one.
Living on the other reserve was so wrapped up in fear, that I don't know if I really stepped outside of my teacher box. Also, there was a much larger school and I could really just socialize with the other teachers. Last year up here, there were only two other teachers and 1 was my roommate. This year there are 3 other teachers and 1 is my roommate. I strongly feel that working with someone, living with someone, and spending all your free time with someone is too much. I didn't spend that much time with my so, when I had one, and wouldn't have wanted to, even though he was dynamic and personable. I really don't think I should have to spend so much time with someone who I didn't choose at all either.
The people out here are much different too. In Northern Alberta most people on the reserve still had their language, or a semblance of their language, or at least could understand it. Even though this place is much more isolated, or maybe because it was more isolated, only 40 and above have any semblance of their lanaguage left. Residential schooling kicked these people down and 2 generations later they are finally getting some trust back into the school system, with their children's children having success. This school has a large overturn of teachers (to say the least), with most not even staying a full year. The principal has been here for the past 3 1/2 years, and has made a lot of positive ... I don't know, just brought positiveness and stability to the school. I am also a huge exception, having returned after last year. I wasn't going to, but, you probably know all about that.
There seems to be two type of people out here, but they go back and forth with that as well. The ones who 'party' and the ones that don't. There is another village that is about 70 km away from us and there the people party all the time and it is more like the place I was in at Northern Alberta. This place seems cleaner, but I know there is a lot of garbage under the surface.

All my dreams are nightmares

I have always dreamed. Lately though, I have been finding that I have not been remembering my dreams. The only time I remember my dreams is if I am awoken in the middle of them. When I do wake up and remember my dreams, because of odd noises or lights at night, they are always nightmares. Gruesome awful nightmares that keep me awake for quite some time as I wonder about them.

Thank you

I just wanted to say thank you to all my good friends who posted on my site or wrote to my email to support me in my decision to leave here. I think the reason why I had to ask everyone's opinion like that is because it involved me doing something for me, and neglecting my loyalties (and needs of my friend Dev). I wouldn't want you to think I carelessly put myself in front of you or anything.
I am handing in my notice on Nov. 30, in 2 days! I am excited to leave, but not very excited about telling the students in my class. I also have a whole bunch of food that I need to eat before I go. A year's supply, just about, in fact. I have been baking everyday, getting ready for our next bake sale and trying to use up my flour. I don't want to leave anything for my roommate. How selfish of me. I know. But when you don't like someone, you tend to be selfish with them.
Last night my dog got out when a friend came over and was standing at the door with it wide open and just let her run out. I was a little pissed. She spent the whole night outside and today is tired. Thank goodness, no whining, just sleeping.

Myself

The other night while having a non-relaxing bath while the fan continuously hummed in the background because its switch is attached to the light switch so it is a choice to either bathe in the dark (which believe me I sometimes do) or listen to the incessant whining hum of the bathroom fan, I decided that I resent my existence. Nice.

No more break-ins ...

... yet
Today is the day I tell my boss. I won't actually hand in my letter of resignation until Nov. 30, but I will tell him I am going to leave today. I will also give him conditions in which I will stay (because I am such a negotiator), but I know they will not be able to meet them, so off I go!
I don't know what to do though. Should I get another job right away? Should I wait until September until I get another job and go off for a couple months away someplace warm (which will put me in serious financial jeopardy)? I don't know. If only I wasn't completely tired of teaching.

Another reason

So yesterday, when both me and my roommate were out of our frickin' freezing house (no power, no heat you know) for about an hour or less, it was broken into again. This makes it the third time in 6 days. This time they busted the window frames, the screens, mussed my bedding (ew), and left blood on the window sills.
I couldn't give my notice yesterday because of the power outage and the no work and all. I thought the 5 hours of hell he spent trying to clean his chimney and taking apart his wood stove and all the swearing was enough for him. I thought I would today. Today he is home sick because I gave him the mother-F*ing cold that I have/had. Another day, another not giving notice.
Enough.
(This was going to be a post about how weird/nice it was to walk around the village yesterday at 7 am with no power, no lights, no people noises, no noises, in the falling snow, but then you know, another break-in and my good mood post was gone from my head).

A Tuesday like a Monday

Today the students are back in school from their second 4 day weekend in a row. I hope they aren't too crazy.
My letter is all written and ready to go, but I can't find the right time. I was thinking yesterday after our meetings, but we had an out of town visitor. So then I thought today after school, but after school is always busy because the principal has to get home to take care of his kid so his wife can go to work. Now I am thinking tomorrow before school, not today before school because we still have the out of town guest.

Door

Yesterday the door to my place got kicked in. This is a continuation of the break-in we has in September. At that time, the person who broke in discovered my roommate had some pot and took it. They told everyone in the village. I got asked many times if my roommate did indeed smoke pot, and I would say I didn't know. Now, regardless of whether my roommate has it or not, our house is targeted for break-ins, because who doesn't want pot? We live at the edge of town. Our entrances can't be seen from the road. The door in to our place has a stupid room built around it so they have unlimited time to try to break-in without being seen. We also have known hours, during school hours we aren't there.
This is past the straw that broke the camels back.

Up North

I have spent the last 2 years and a bit up north, away from just about everyone I know (except for a few months in Chateh, when Richard came up). In this time, I have learned a great deal about ... everything.
This year, I returned to Northern BC, to the same community I was in. I am continuing to work with the same class I had last year, minus a few students and plus a few more. This year the class dynamic is great and the students are progressing incredibly. Some students have come up 3 grade levels since the beginning of last year. The students trust me, work for me, and believe that I believe in them. They believe they can do anything I tell them that they can, and I tell them that they can do anything.
My principal and boss has become a really good friend. In fact, I can't imagine not working with him. Our teaching and management styles as well as our personalities work together very well and we can get a lot of things done together.
However, although working with my class is very rewarding this year, not many other aspects of working up here are. The other teaching staff at the school do not have the same management or teaching styles, or personalities that work with other people. This has led to some blow-outs and a lot of swallowed resentment on my behalf. Each other teacher has something about them that I cannot tolerate, one treats the students like they are idiots and basically tells them this to their faces, and the other is a moron who is clueless and has no ability to read body language (how this can work in a classroom is beyond me). Everyday I come in, I am fine in my class, but go through periods when I feel absolutely ill when I have to deal with these people.
Housing is provided to me, at a minimum cost (which, was offered to me free if I should return, then revoked), but I must share with one so infused with negative energy that at times I cannot sleep at night (or maybe it is because she keeps the temperature in the house at 16, and I am so cold it wakes me up).
My dog is slowly losing every bit of ground we have gained in the past 2 years. She is becoming neurotic and has had to go back on medication. I can establish no routine for her and my roommate won't do anything about her that I ask her to (such as keep her off the furniture). I have no yard to keep her in because the band has been neglect to finish one for me (I have 3 walls and a gate done). The house that they said I could return to had a fence and a set-up that was perfect for my dog, but they let the flaky teacher have that house.
To some it up, I have not been treated well in housing (which relates to my dog), I am finding it harder and harder to tolerate the school atmosphere outside of my classroom again, and I love the students in my class as well as my principal and feel loyal to them both.
Oh, and I am lonely for people I know, such as you guys.
Please comment.

Tired

Report cards are not fun. Today, I have all the report cards from all the classes and I get to read them all and proof them all and suggest changes to them all and say you can't say that on them all and say those marks don't add up on them all and shouldn't that percentage give a different grade on them all. I cannot wait for the principal to come back. Can't wait. I think I will go on a vacation as soon as he does. Let him handle the menopausal natzi and the flake, and everyone who has a problem with either of them. Yep.
I think it is raining, which will clear up all the melting snow quickly and make more of the lovely ice that we've been experiencing. Lovely.
And! I've decided I AM lonely living up here away from you all. I miss you guys.

Suicide Thoughts

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the death of my good friend. I felt like I should go out pay my respects to him by creating something beautiful or looking at something beautiful, but if I even started to try, it was too much.
I still miss you.

Blood and Gore

I had a dream last night that somehow I was part of a police team that found an awful murder scene. The police team decided that they needed to wait until the owner of the house came home to see how he reacted to it. Then somehow I was (I think I was viewing it, not part of it) seeing the owner come home. It then skipped to the part where his friend/brother came over. He was showing him around. I mean it was really bad. There was blood everywhere, and the body was in pieces no bigger than a small roast. Pieces were everywhere, in the fridge, on coffee tables. No pools of blood, just blood coating everything. Then the guy's whose house it is says "I think Harbringer (yeah I know) did it. Do you know why I think this?" and he took the other guy to a room. Inside the room were stairs going up. They were on the main floor but these stairs were wooden unfinished basement type stairs. On top of the stairs was Harbringer, with a rope around his neck. He said, "Hi guys." and hung himself. The dream then spiralled into reviewing various glimpses of what had happened to this point. Any interpretations?

This is me

So I get home from work on Friday a bit early. GREAT! I think, I can have an early dinner and do yoga and then have a nice relaxing bath. Oh, oh, oh, but I should probably have a little snack before I eat dinner, just to tide me over while I make it.
Six cupcakes with chocolate buttercream frosting later.
God, I feel awful, how can I eat my turkey breast and steamed broccolli? How can I do yoga I feel like vomiting?
Yeah. Great. I am so smart sometimes. Since when EVER is eating 6 cupcakes a good idea.

The power has been going on and off all weekend. It is good that my roommate isn't home, because I would be plagued by questions about why it was doing that. How the hell would I know? Probably because something is broken, could you not figure that out yourself?

Ah, bitter bitter me.