Beautiful Sun

Love is poison foul
Vile and loathsome
A curse that deceives
It has no mercy
Only bitter discontent
Let death come sooner

Oh the sun is shining out today and the wind is blowing just right to keep your body at just the right temperature and take your dog for a walk while you are at work. O beautiful day! O calm, oh nice. Oh the flush on my face to bring out the flush of my blood.

Today

Today I am wearing an antique shirt. I don't like to say vintage because that implies I'm being trendy, and I don't feel I am. This shirt used to belong to my aunt, and she hasn't worn it since before she became pregnant. This may mean before she became pregnant with my older cousin, which would make the shirt over 34 years old, or before she became pregnant with my younger cousin, which would make the shirt about 31 years old. It is made of cotton eyelet and gossamer thin. Underneath it I am wearing a light pink tank top, which can be seen through the shirt and makes me look healthy. I am also wearing burgundy shoes and my toes are probably pink, although I have not looked. This morning I tip-toed around the yard before leaving for work, causing the tips of my shoes to become wet.

Today I took my car into get an oil change and a tire alignment, both of which were sorely needed. The tire alignment I have put off for about 5000 km, and the oil change for about 1000 km. I probably would have put them off for longer but last time I filled my car up I checked the oil and noticed it was low. Instead of putting oil in I told myself to go and finally get the needed work done. I chose a place close to my work that said I could drop it off on the way and they would drive me (until they saw my dog) and that were very friendly on the phone. I didn't ask for quotes so I hope it won't be too expensive. If it is, I will phone my not-boyfriend on the phone and make him ask them why they are charging me, his not-girlfriend, so much for simple work.

Today I am eating cold boiled potatoes and peas for lunch, sprinkled with salt and dotted with sour cream. I was wanting to make mashed potatoes fried in butter with onions and garlic and peas for lunch today, so they would have that lovely crispy brown crust on them, but they don't have a potato masher at the house where I am and since they were sitting in the kitchen discussing house buying plans with a realtor, I didn't want to make a big fuss.

Today I am working in the office by myself. The big boss has meetings all day and the accountant takes his day off on Tuesday. The accountant would probably have a fit if he knew this. He might have even come in on his day off. The accountant thinks I cannot function because I do not possess a penis between my legs. I would like to see him try to handle the things that come through me though, penis or no penis. He has no idea what goes on here or how to handle things. He also, although in a manager-like position, is not a manager of the place. He is below the ranking of managers and is actually just about in the equivalent position as me. I wonder how it would make his penis feel to know that.

Today is a very nice day.

The SUSHI ANIMAL HOSPITAL

Is one place that I will never eat at or take my dog to. I am not sure which category it falls into. I pass the sign on my way to work everyday and they are opening soon!

Another place I will never go is wherever my friend went and paid a decent amount of money to for her haircut. She has been growing out her hair for as long as I have, and that means because her hair was healthy the whole time, it was (WAS) a whole lot longer than mine. Well, most of it is still a lot longer than mine. However, the hairdresser did take a mohawk like section of her hair and put it into a pony tail and cut it short (SHORT) so she has chunks of hair that are about mid to 2/3 length of her skull. Then, to further emphasize these chunky weird short chunks of hair she dyed then white-blond and orangey. It really stands out on her black hair. The hair cut reminds me of Elvira, except with the highlights. When I saw her, I gave her a big hug. She was going to go back and get it changed, but beside getting it about shoulder length and having layers cut all through it, I don't know what can be done.

I went to a Teacher's conference on Friday and Saturday. Totally scammed my way in and didn't pay (I tried but they said they were full and I had to meet someone there for a job interview so I had to go anyway). I got free lunches, information, and I did meet people. In fact, I had a job interview and was offered a position that started Monday, but I did not feel I would be the best candidate for the position and turned it down. However, I have 3 principals (including my old one) who want me for jobs starting in September. They are going to fight for me I think.

Over -D

The last time I imbibed in illicit substances, I overdosed.

It was just so good, I didn't want to come back.

But crash I did and spent hours over a toilet watching how, after each time I flushed away whatever toxins I could bring up, pink amoebas would come and clean the sides of the bowl. I even tried to catch some in my hand. Of course, I never could. They always just danced out of the way or were swept away by the currents in the water my hand created. They also seemed to be intelligent and crafty.

I held onto the toilet for dear life and believe if everyone around me had not also been a little not there I would have been taken to the hospital.

I hadn't really ever experimented with drugs while I was a teenager or even in university. It took a completely broken heart to make me want to try them, and only then because I was becoming frightenly close to being addicted to alcohol. Using drugs to get over my addicition to alcohol, using alcohol to get over a broken heart, I jumped in hard and soon was snorting and popping pills to have fun.

Finally I told a friend to take me home.

The rest of the weekend was spent in a stupor. The days were the hottest all year and I couldn't breath. I had just moved into my place and spent the time drenched in sweat and sometimes convulsing, wide awake on a futon mattress folded in half, by the slightly opened window. I tried to take a shower at some point but I could feel each individual stream of water on my body and it made my brain want to explode.

Monday morning I was late for work for the first time in my life because I was too stupid to get dressed. Too stupid meaning I didn't know how to put my clothes on. The pants really got me. I am sure they noticed it too when I was at work, I could barely put a sentence together and I had to answer customer calls on the phone. It faded but was noticeable to me for at least 2 weeks.

I kept seeing black things around my house. I cat walking around, a giant hand print on the wall, black paint seeping out of the carpet. Around Wednesday, while sitting on the toilet, a particularly vivid and frightening black thing came up the wall beside me. A revelation came to me then, out of the foggy stupidness I was still deeply in, that if I ever did anything of that nature again my brain would turn to mush.

As of yet I haven't been even tempted to try it out.

Uh huh uh huh

"You have to do this"

"But I can't."

"You have to."

"There is no way I can get that information and present it in the way you request."

"It is your responsibility to do it."

"But there is no way to do it. The information is not gathered like that."

"You have to."

"No. I can't ..."

(BIG BOSS BLAH BLAH BLAH DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT)

"Well, you have to put it on those sheets then."

"Fine, when I can, I will, but it won't balance."

"Yes it will."

"No it won't."

"And I need to sit with you for a few hours and tell you how you suck at everything you are doing."

"I told you, I don't have a few hours that I can free up."

"You need to find them."

"I don't have them. You will have to break it up into smaller pieces. I like to take crap in small doses, not big doses, and besides, I do 3 jobs here, not just this one. The other things I do take up a lot of time."

"Maybe we should hire someone to replace you then."

"Ha ha, yeah, just try and get that through management."

22

This weekend I moved into my new place. Go me. I also attempted to consolidate my debts and now owe 2 sources, not 3. Go me again. I also wrote my 22 cover letter to apply for a job in September. 22 different cover letters. This does not include all the ones that I did that were the same as other ones except I changed the school information on it. So, probably about 32 cover letters, which means 32 different jobs applied for and not one job had.
And I wonder why I feel so unwanted sometimes.
Why have I applied for 32 jobs and not heard back from anyone? Is it because my cover letter and resume suck? No, it is not. They are both good (and accurate, which may be one problem). Is it because there is a glut of qualified teachers out there in this province and they keep making more? That could be part of the reason. Is someone out there spreading bad rumours about me? Could be, but I doubt it, I haven't really pissed anyone off in this profession like that. Do the jobs all go to people the people hiring know? Probably, why not go with what you know rather than risk the unknown. My old boss had to hire unknowns and out of 7 positions he has hired for in the past 3 years, he has hired 4 freaks. They ranged from bad bad freaks to psycho bitch threaten to throw my belongings in the snow freaks to two faced incompetent freaks to lying never do any work and lose your temper a lot freaks. I would stick with what I knew before I did that for sure. But sometimes, when you risk someone new you get something really good (LIKE ME!!!).
So there I am. 22 different cover letters later and 32 job applications without a job. Okay okay, I have a job, but I didn't even apply for it. And technically, I can have my old job back I just have to sign the contract, but the contract hasn't shown up yet.

BOOM!

The box of laundry soap hit the wall loudly, right beside her head. This is the last sound she can remember hearing. She knows there must have been others, looking back at it.

In slow motion, she turned to look at the wall, and then back at him. He had gone off a little way and grabbed the door. He looked like he was trying to rip it from the hinges, and he slammed it open. A hole appeared in the wall where the door knob hit it and he kept railing.

She gathered her things, her clothes, her basket, the soap, and starting walking away from him. He noticed and started walking towards her, gesturing wildly and mouth moving violently. She walked around the middle row of washers, keeping them in between her and him. She got all the way around so she could go out in the hallway and he followed her.

He went to the elevator and pushed the button. The door opened and he got in and looked at her expectantly.

"I am not getting in there with you." she must have said and he let her walk to the stairwell.

She ran up the stairs, scared he would get to the top first and start coming down them towards her. He didn't. He was waiting in the apartment.

Still mouth moving violently, still arms waving, he kept following her around as she picked up some clothes and her toothbrush. She was careful to still keep something between the two of them always, a table, a chair. She went to the door and opened it. He was immediately there, screaming at her. She walked out and he slammed it after her.

Hear

And this I know
Her teeth are white as snow

I have taken to listening to the radio continuously lately. At least this way I know the sounds I am hearing are coming from something, and it covers up the quieter of the sounds I am hearing.

Mostly I hear ringtones. Yes, they could be from someone's phone, but they aren't. A couple years ago I kept hearing dial up connections being connected. No way I could have been hearing those where I was when I heard them.

Oh. And after working here for a month, they have offered me a carrot of a management position in the fall. As well they let me in on some information that they will be expanding and developing a lovely piece of land that they own at about the same time. I feel really badly knowing this. The land is beautiful, full of tall grasses, brambly bushes, ducks, and a heron even lives there.

Teeth. White as snow. Yeah, I know.

But now this gives me another choice to make. Stay here in the land of debt, in better paying job, still incurring debt and not being able to pay for the debt I incurred. In a place that doesn't call to me, but where at least I can associate with the few people down here I like to associate with and with the potential to meet more people I like to associate with.
or
Go back to where I can from. The land of the cold, the mountains, the lakes, the rivers. The place that feels like home, with drug abuse, starting on an epidemic of AIDS that will wipe it out, bad living situations, good pay, freedom and trust, and all the blessed solitude one needs, but intense loneliness as well, and a sense of being just on the edge. It rips me apart at times but makes me whole in other ways too.
or
Try a new place. Farther away. New things, hard work. Good opportunities for professional growth, not doing what exactly I like to do, good pay, maybe a place to stay for years and could be around other people.

Teeth. Snow.

It would be nice not to have to budget and plan for 3 months to be able to afford a haircut though.

Night

I had a nightmare the other night.

At least I am trying to convince myself it was a nightmare. It happened twice.

It scared the hell out of me both times. The time I was laying awake between sleep and sleep (now trying to convince myself I was asleep, couldn't have happened to me when I was awake) and the jolting me out of a dead sleep to wide awake time.

Dog didn't react so it was in my head.

I was asleep. It was a nightmare. I am not losing my mind.

5 minutes

I've got 5 minutes to make this post before someone comes into the office and sees that not only am I not doing the slave labour for minimum pay that I am supposed to be doing, but I am doing something not work related, but personal. And that, is a big no-no. No personal calls, no personal use of the office equipment, no personal photocopying of your ass, nothing. But all the free pop you can drink! Wow! But, ... I don't drink pop, ... so shouldn't I get something to compensate for it, like using the computer to make personal posts on my personal web log on my 5 minute lunch break? Oh no! I only have 1 minute left and I haven't even gotten to the point yet ... but what was the point? I think it had something to do with how minimum wage didn't reflect what was required to minimally get by.

Apocalyptic Penis

Way now, way now, don't feel it's over.

So, I may have found a new place to live in a different town in my affordable price range, 5 minutes from work, 3 blocks from the beach. What gives? How can this be? We will have to wait and see ...

Last night I went to be early, but not early enough that I didn't sit down with a pen and paper and write. It is rare that I feel like doing that but I am glad I did it last night. What I wrote was shite, but it is always nice just to write with a pen every once in a while.

Oh, and I got a raise. $0.50 an hour more, $40.00 more every 2 weeks. Holy mother of god, thank you. What do they think? That this makes it acceptable? I don't think so. It is kind of insulting. I feel like telling them to keep their $0.50 an hour raise because it is demeaning in the aspect that it doesn't do anything for me.

I wore my sexy long boots today to work and I saw all the male staff look me up and down today when I got in. Nice. Maybe this is the only reason I go in to work, to have a chance to be oogled by the opposite sex, to feel wanted or something, to get some kind of attention (okay, now that is over the top way too feeling sorry for myself or something, I'm not actually that bad, there must be other reasons I go in to work).

I have noticed my hair is getting really long again. For the past year and a half, it was getting shorter and shorter. It just wasn't growing and every time I went it to get a trimmed they would cut it and it got shorter. Not only that, it was falling out in handfuls. Every bath, every shower would make me cringe. Now, my hair is getting longer rapidly. It is also getting kind of fuzzy, in the way of new growth sprouting out all over my head and not being long enough to fall with the others. Yay! More hair on my head (written at first as more head on my hair), to more likely conform with societal views of feminine beauty. Stay tuned for the changes in both body and mind that this cleansing process is bringing ...

Okay don't. See if I care.

The biggest feeling for this month is ... well, just nothing. The absence of feeling anything strongly. The lust is gone, the happy is gone, the sad is gone, the anger (although can be triggered) is gone. All replaced by a sense of colourless being. Of just putting in time. I talked ot my ex about this the other day, as he is one of the only ones I can have these types of conversations with without the other person freaking out. He said it is not fair to be able to choose the time in which you check out while the rest of the schmucks just keep putting in their time. It made sense at the time, because I am all about the global fairness of things (well, I try) but now I am thinking a little more selfishly again. Why should we put in empty time? Why is it worth it if everything is colourless?

I don't know if I liked the overwhelming feeling of sadness more than this.

Whenever

The happiest the happiest always by far

My dog is home. She was running around in a busy intersection when a nice lady who just about creamed her decided to pick her up and take her to the SPCA. So ... $152.00 later I have my dog back and she is now licensed.

The argument I got into with my roommate's boyfriend is still in my mind. We covered 3 topics that we were at odds about but I only said to him, "Get out" after the last one. In the first part of our conversation he criticized me for not being able to live on what I make at my job, helpfully pointing out that some people make less than me and get by. I wondered what they are doing differently and asked if they have given up eating (even though that is the smallest part of my budget, I didn't know what else they could not be doing). For the next part, he criticized how I am running my love life and how I should stay down here or I would end up alone, even the chance of something is worth staying at this job, giving up everything I enjoy doing, and living in my car. I disagreed, as I like myself and can do fine on my own if need be. The last and final part is hard to summarize in a sentence. Suffice it to say he got in my face, told me he would get in my face, and I told him I would spit in his face. Basically he thinks human rights are for people with money. You don't have money, you don't have any human rights. I asked him 4 times to leave. "Get out!" I said, "This is still my house too and I want you to leave." He wouldn't so I said, "Fine, I will leave then." I went to my room to get dressed so I could leave and he continued to insult me as he left. "I thought two people could have a discussion." In fact, two people can have a discussion, and can even have different opinions. They can even discuss these different opinions until one gets all personal, and gets in one's face.

Yiah. I can't make it easy for myself can I? So he went running to my roommate and told on me. I didn't really feel like having a 'well he said this and that' discussion with her, thinking the argument could just be between the two of us, but no. I feel awkward in the house now. I haven't seen her since Sunday morning.

Check out my guest post ...

Never

But these are the times when she is the happiest

Okay, I don't think I have had such a bad day in a long time. It started with a crappy crappy sleep as I tried to start adjusting to daylight savings time a little early. This was followed by chocolate chip oatmeal cookies which were the highlight of the day. Then, I got in a disagreement with my roommate's boyfriend in which I asked him to leave the house. After this I went to my friend's house where my dog had diarrhea all over the entrance way. I put the dog outside and while I was cleaning up the diarrhea, my friend accidentally erased the cover letter that I had been working on, a new version from scratch, that, of course, I hadn't saved yet but was completely finished. I re-did the cover letter and then went to find the dog gone.

She's still gone and it is 9.5 hours later. What does a girl do without her dog?

Occasionally

And winds up dizzy and dizzy on the dining room floor

Today I ate my version of bubble and squeak, with mashed potatoes mixed with sweet potatoes and swiss chard. Yum! With organic lamb. How posh of me.

I get to work tomorrow. Oh yippee!! 6 days this week, but I am trying to make an 80 hour work week. I hate this punching in and out on a clock thing, every little minute takes time off and I have no idea how I ended up at the end of two weeks at around 64 hours. I should be around 72, but no, I am not going in on Sunday. I have big plans. I am going to get up at around 6:30, take my dog for a walk, make chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, and then take off for the rest of the day. Lucky lucky me.

I got a letter from my lawyer today which was nice. At least someone cares about my pain and suffering (because the more pain and suffering I have the more money he gets I guess, but still, it is a nice letter). I may be coming into some money a little earlier than when the lawsuit comes around.

push the foot down
push the foot down
push the foot down boy
spread the time around boy
think there's a hope

I got to drive to the bank today on my own and deposit all the cash. Wow ho! I am apparently going to get gas money for it eventually too. A tank of gas a month or something. It is nice just to get out of the office and do something a little different. Today I also started cleaning. I am hoping to be able to clean out the whole office because I can't work in it like it is. My boss told me today that they are doing everything they can to find me a place to live, because I am a "worker and pretty smart too." If I don't have a place by the 15 of April, I am going home on the 16th.

Blah blah blah.

I have taken to wearing long johns under my clothes. Isn't seasonally warm for this time of year Muss? It is! But I have no way to keep myself warm because I turned that thin, as well, it gives me a slightly more shapely appearance. I am also scared of the ants that infest the office crawling up my legs and biting them. This way, they would just bite the clothes. That would freak me out incredibly, but not as much as them actually biting my legs. You know what else freaks me out incredibly? The thought of getting a needle in my cervix. For some reason the thought came to me that I may have to get a needle inserted into my cervix for a medical procedure that I may have to have and I got absolutely terrified. A NEEDLE IN MY CERVIX?!?! No. That equals fear in my heart, head, and soul. I will not have a needle in my cervix. I will endure the burning pain and whatever else instead, or I will not have the procedure done.

I'm so rattled
I'm so rattled now
To see you so unwound
Making me all proud.

Today was the first day without the bodacious woman and I got to say, "I don't know" and make people do their own work, as I am actually nobody's secretary except the owner's. They can make there own clipart flyer. Ha! What a bitch I am! They all think I am a computer genius too because I can use such features as 'help' and push 'ctrl alt del' at the same time to make it shut down when it is frozen. I can also send MULTIPLE ATTACHMENTS and not even have to attach them individually. Yes, bow down before me now at my minimum wage job. I impress.