Last day

Today was the technical last day of school, but really my last day was yesterday. That is when I last saw the students. Today I went out for lunch with the staff and received a thoughtful "hopefully not" parting gift. I also got told again, I did a good job, but not like that. One of the teachers who is close to retiring said to me, "You know, I have never before seen what one-on-one help, what a resource or special needs teacher could do, before I worked with you. I have never seen anyone do what you do."

Aw. Gee, thanks.

Now, for the funny stuff. I swear. If you don't have a kid you should read Mimi because you are obviously missing out on all the cute stuff your kid would say, well, because you don't have one (disclaimer: there are many better reasons to have children than to get to hear the cute things they can sometimes say).

Anyway, the latest that had me rolling with laughter:

Nora: Sometimes I think I want to have a penis.
Me [silently]: Fuck, Freud already?
Me [out loud]: Really? Why?
Nora: I don't know. I just like them. I don't maybe want a penis forever. Just maybe for a while. Like maybe magic. Like maybe for a day.
Me: If you magically had a penis for a day, what would you do with it?
Nora: I don't know. [long pause] Pee, I guess.
Me: Yeah.

Slut

So, I read in the world reknowned local paper today that indeed, I am a slut. I had thought I might be so it was good to have it confirmed by the small town paper in the red neck town I live in. According to the lifestyles section, the average man between the ages of 20 and 59 have had 7 sexual partners and the average women, 4. I don't understand. This would make all my friends (the ones I talk of these things to) all sluts as well, the men and the women. Of course, most of my friends are University educated and maybe that period of time in our lives had some influence on this. I don't know. I don't understand though. I started later than most people I know and have had several relationships that have lasted more than a couple years. I also have never had a one night stand, never had sex that wasn't in a relationship that lasted a while. What about all these people who roam the bars? Who sleep with friends? Who cheat on each other? And still, these low numbers? Did they survey Utah or something?

Sniff ...

This is just a little something that I am going to miss ...

Yesterday, a student was rubbing an eraser on his arm. Over and over and over again. In fact, until he burnt it. The teacher whose class he was in tried to get him to stop, but had to get staff involved. The staff got him to stop and took him to the nurse. The nurse cleaned the burn and bandaged it and he said, "... I was almost gone ..."

The Newest, The Bestest

So yes, here is introducing the newest Grade 6 teacher in the last ... few days? I don't know about that. I have never taught Grade 6 before and if that wasn't enough, I am teaching at a traditional school. It is still a public school but is more like a private school, so there is a very strong academic focus. I have never taught a class/school like this. I am slightly intimidated. Give me a class of behavioural freaks, murderers and rapists and I don't bat an eye. Give me a class of students who are looking to succeed, well, I might pee my pants. The kids are going to be at or above the grade 6 level! The whole school is very respectful! I don't know if I can handle a day that goes by without being called some foul name. Or having some behaviour related crisis. I might start having behaviour crisises.

These Eyes

I am tired of being tired. I have suffered insomnia on and off my whole life. Recently, in the past year and a half, it has gotten much worse. At the worst times, I haven't slept for days. I look like it too. I walk around in a fog and I can't function well. I hate tossing and turning all night long, in and out of sleep, never getting to REM or the deeper one. Sigh.

Last year I went to the doctor and he took some tests, thyroid, anemia, and diabetes (jeez, I can't go into the doctor without them taking those exact same tests, I think I get them done at least once a year for the past ... 14 years and they are always fine, maybe they should try something else???). This year I went again and he told me he would do the tests again but suspected I have SAD, but not the depressed portion, just the can't sleep kind. Okay, that kind of made sense to me since last year in May I could sleep. But now it is June. I still can't sleep. Well, that is not entirely true. I have a hard time falling asleep and keep waking up earlier and earlier. Like, for example, 4 am. Then awake until my alarm goes off. It is all very very pleasant.

I miss sleeping. I daydream about sleeping. There came a point last year, after about 5 months of not sleeping and it was getting worse, when I thought, I can't take this. I can't take this with no end in sight. I can't take this not sleeping, walking zombie life.

I am not there again yet. Yet. I can take this I guess. I am anyway. I just can't keep my house clean, feed myself, do anything with my animals, do anything requiring concentration, think, or socialize.

Another day at the office

Yesterday, while checking my work email in another classroom, there was a pause in the teaching ...

"I have never seen anything so disgusting in this classroom ever. Go and get the cleaner and some paper towels and clean that up."

"What? I didn't do anything!"

"You didn't do anything? I just saw you spit across the table."

"I didn't *bleepin* do it. Whatever. It was just a gleet^." As cleaning.

"Now you are out. For swearing and lying."


^Gleet: persistent or chronic gonorrhea

Oh my God. If only they knew what they were saying some of the times.

Morning Aggregation #1

This morning, for the first of many times, I thought I should write about how I start my work day 2.5 days a week. Today I am actually doing it.

We noticed one student had been moved. Apparently he had a blow-out after school on Friday. Both students involved in the incidents were sent to their rooms, but this one persisted in shouting and threatening the first student through his door. Typical, boring.

In the one section, apparently the big thing of the weekend was to shave off the pubes and many students had been asking for razors (razors being a very limited and watched, as well as counted and re-counted thing, other things re-counted are plastic forks and spoons, pens, pencils, erasers, etc. ). The nurse even had to go in and have a talk with them about this. What about I am not sure, but more on that later.

Also, one resident had been sent to the time-out room (contains its own toilet so that the person can have a real time out without having to interact with anyone, for those ... loud individual times), and had been sitting on the toilet and farting non-stop for 45 minutes to an hour. Very loudly. We questioned how anyone could possibly do this. He had been complaining about stomach upsets. He was able to control it so that when he was out and around the other residents, he was not. He had just decided to retire to his room and fart. Yep, for an hour straight. What the hell.

Later in the day, one of my students (I noticed, I didn't look. All students are well aware of my 'I don't ever want to see the parts of your skin normally covered by a t-shirt or long to the knee shorts' policy, and privileges get removed if I do (All part of my not having a sexual identity of any kind in there)) lifted his t-shirt and rubbed his belly and then put his t-shirt down. "Ms. Teacher," he said, "I shaved all the hair off my body this weekend." To which I replied, "I heard. I also heard the nurse had to come and talk to you about that. I don't want to know. I don't want to hear any more about that." He was quite astounded that I knew and embarrassed because he knew that I knew that he really meant all his hair. Another student asked why the hell he would ever shave his legs. I would have to wonder that myself.

A not atypical day.

Who could make this stuff up?

3. After a dinner of buttered, Parmesaned noodles and a pint of blueberries, Nora said, "That was the best dinner ever. If I were an anaconda a wild pig would be the best dinner ever. Also I would not chew my food." Okay then.

Mimi can.

Okay, I find her "mommy blog" hilarious. I usually end up laughing out loud when I read it. Her links are usually worth following too. I can't get enough Ms. Smartypants.

A Phase

Of course! I am a waffle, flipping back and forth (how did that get paired with flipping back and forth on decisions, instead of a pancake, which involves much more flipping than a waffle iron). But there was this phase I went through for, oh I don't know, the first 25 years of my life where I didn't ever ever ever want children. No way, no how. No. No to kids out of my body. Never. Some of you might have experienced the effects of this as you tried to get me to hold your children, it being that I haven't ever done that. Yep, I don't know how. Then! Bing! I met this guy, and then ... well, the thought of it become much more appealing. Cute half Asian babies running around! Why not! Let's have multiples! Oh, but then he was a waffle with how he felt about me and I moved on. And the next guy, well, yeah, I thought about it a lot with him. I took some time off from serious relationships after that but still continued to obsess about having a baby, sometimes even starting relationships because I felt time was running out. I have had my clock tick really really big and have made plans and back-up plans on how to achieve this. Driven by a clock, or something. I don't know. Even when the clock wasn't up in there in my face it was there, somewhere in the back on my mind, praying on me.
A recent event, happy as it is, has made me re-evaluate things, and I guess, let something go.
I think I am quite a bit more happy and will be doing alternative things in my life. I think I will have children in my life, but most likely not from my body (I mean come on, I am a teaching, trained in the art of Kindergarten (what! it's not an art??? You try it then)). I think this pressure has lifted off my chest and out of my brain.
I hope this is true. I hope the clock just hasn't gone deep for a bit. I am much more happy without wondering about if I can get that guys sperm or not, or if I even want it.

Discouraged

Well, I never thought it would happen, but I found a job that makes me want to stay in teaching. When I did my degree, my B.Ed, I thought it was a short term thing, only until I decided what next to do with my life and would last a maximum of 5 years. I found this job in the most unlikely place. I didn't apply for this job, my resume got handed to the right person and they contacted me. I felt a little less than ambivalent about the job, I didn't think I wanted it, but I got it.
I was a Resource teacher at a youth jail.
Holy mother of God. That means I was in charge of all IEP's (individual education plans) for anyone who needed one. I was also in charge of personally assessing and teaching anyone under a grade 7 level in math or english and designing and implementing a program that would work for them, even when I wasn't there, as I was only half time. I had to work with children (I refuse to call them anything but, as they are so stunted) who are severely emotionally and behaviourally challenged. I had to work with youth coming off addictions. I had to work with youth who had every single thing in their life stacked against them and make them think learning was somehow valuable to them.
Guess what?
It worked. I found my niche. I am not saying that I wasn't good anywhere else or I wouldn't be good somewhere else. But I am saying that I am good at this and can do it. It doesn't run me down and I am able to give myself to these kids.
How do I know I work? In two cases I have seen profound changes. One student was so changed, so completely a different person that every single person in the centre noticed and commented on it to me. I kept saying it was the new medication, but later on, there was proof that it was more than this. The other is a young guy so damaged by females that he would spit on us rather than talk to us. He is coming around. He is asking to work with me, he is showing off the work he does to me and bragging about it. I don't even care about that, although it is a nice side benefit, him learning to read above a grade 2 level. I care that he is able to see me as a person. Not me specifically, I don't want him to get hung up on that, but a female. And that he feels successful, in one aspect of his life.
Everyone, as far as I know, likes what I do and believes I can do this well.
But, it looks like I won't be returning next year. Union and all, I am to be replaced with someone who doesn't even want to be up there and as long as the centre thinks she won't be damaging or afraid, she has it.
I believe in the work that unions have done, have created the middle class, have made ... on and on. I don't want to go into now. But this is one of several times in my life when I know I am good for a job and someone else gets it because of union regulations. Someone who isn't as good at it as me.
What happens to the kid who has just set up his safety net a little bit away from his skin to let me in and help him? Does he go slamming back? I hope not. Why doesn't the union think about that?

Channelling

Every night as I fall asleep I think of witty and interesting things to say, but they are never there in the morning.

So, even though there is no reason, according to western medicine, why accupuncture, accupressure, or reflexology should work, it can prove it does. How weird is that? They have the instruments to see the results but not to determine the cause. Anyway, so they touched points, or did whatever, while doing a brain scan. 'Lo and behold, the corresponding organ part lit up in the brain. So it does something, this energy movement/blockage stuff.

I could've told you that. And now introducing flaky Muss.

I have been noticing something lately. Going Monday through Friday I get increasingly ... play violent. Play violent means I pretend to kick and chop and punch, and talk about it more and more. Over the weekend, it tends to dissipate. I wondered why and what was up with all that violence. I am not a violent person by nature. But, if you think about it, Monday to Friday I am surrounded by violent individuals. Youths who have done violent things and have had violent things done to them. For the majority of the time, say 99%, I don't see any violence there. I hear about quite a bit more, as we discuss cases and students and just life in general. We have a swayed view on things, well, a little perhaps. I think that and the energy of the violence surrounding me builds up in me until I can let it go. Some at night, but more over the weekend. I guess this is okay, because I am unlikely to act on the violence and I am a safe way to get rid of some of it. I can't prove this energy transfer thing in this circumstance, but I can suspect it strongly. I really think things from these kids I spend so much one on one time with, kids who look forward to seeing me, who have maybe one of the most normal relationships that have happened in their life with me, pass to me. What else can explain my cravings for drinking excessively, drugs, cigarettes, and the sudden occurrence of play violence? Sudden urges that pass quickly I might add and that I would never act on. Urges that last maybe a second or two at most.

Okay. Send the men with the white coats for me now.

This one time ...

... in band camp.

I fell out of love so instaneously. I can remember it perfectly. It was bizarre. I had been living in a roommmate situation with a guy, when it had turned more than that. And he got controlling. And violent. Oh no no, that didn't make me stop. So I moved out and 8 hours away. And I had to come back and get my stuff. We had talked on the phone in the meantime. I was ready to make up even. What the hell? He had gone to anger management counselling. So I went down there with a cousin and he started pulling his controlling shee-ite just about right away. I tried to make allowances for it, but the next day, after I had about 97% of all meals consumed in the house and technically me and my cousin were guests and knowing we were hungry, he made himself something to taunt us. I can't explain how he meant to taunt us, except that he was eating and we weren't. Something went "snap" in me and I said, "Let's go." I grabbed my stuff, she grabbed hers, I dropped her off and spend the next few days couch surfing until it was time to go back home, picked up my stuff and left.

He did ask me after that if we would ever get back together. I said, "Never."

Making me smile

Feist 1 2 3 4

Lately

The past couple nights I have been having these really long mundane dreams. Really long, like they last all night. Really mundane, just about real life stuff. I can't even really recall too much because they are that boring. Then, two nights ago, I had one that featured my ex and our 7 year old daughter. Again, it was all mundane. Again, it was long and nothing really stood out. I realized what I was doing though. I have been dreaming alternative futures. Not coulda', woulda, shoulda' but just coulda'. What could have happened had I made a different choice. Not a better choice, not a better life, just a different life. All possible, none probably, because here I am. In this life.