Mother

In my angst and agony I am reminded of a funny story that my super-roommate told me recently.
She was in school and in a smaller program where everybody knows your name. They were discussing cruel and unusual halloween pranks. My dear friend, who was 22 at the time, described to the whole class how she had seen two dogs glued together by their rear-ends and IT WASN'T EVEN HALLOWEEN. The whole class laughed and the teacher asked her to stay after class, where he proceded to explain the birds and bees to my dear friend, in regards to dogs. She is still taunted about her lack of knowledge by her former classmates.
Poor girl.

Ex-ceptional

I look really good today. Holy cow. I must commend myself on choice of outfits, on the damn humidity actually having a good effect on my hair and the nice clearing up on my skin. Very fine. Did I mention I was 5'11" today as well? That always helps too (thanks for lending me those drop-dead sexy boots roomie, oops, did I forget to mention that to you before you left today?).
I was all ready to go out and drop off some resumes and meet people for what could even be called "business" but then ...
Oh. my. god.
I am cramping up. I feel like I'm going to vomit. The room is spinning. I can't move. Did I catch the flu? Did I eat too much cheesecake? I don't know. I hurt hurt hurt. I am so damn uncomfortable. I checked my wallet and I only have 0.12 otherwise I would go buy ... something, I don't know what, because I don't even know what is wrong. But I need it to stop. My dog needs to go outside. But I can't do it. I am just sitting here rocking back and forth trying to distract myself. I was reading a blog and I just about passed out.
Is this what being sick is all about?

New Week Resolution

This week I decided to start yoga again. I have put on some weight and feel that this indicates I am taking in more calories than I am burning so I can start doing more again (and yes, I was really that skinny that I had to think about things before I did them on a worth it to burn those calories scale). I lasted about 15 minutes, just long enough to be through the warm-up and into the actual sun salutations. I couldn't remember if I was doing the left or right side so I got confused and then my ginger tea started calling me so I answered and now am looking over across the room at the yoga mat.
I am going up to PG this week for a funeral. Of course I am taking my dog. I am trying to decide if I should contact my ex to see if I can set up a play date or two for the dogs. I keep over-thinking myself. It would be really good for my dog because she hasn't really had any dog-dog interaction since mid-December and she doesn't get a lot of exercise down here. I know she misses her former live-in playmate and they have a great time together. So I am trying to think if I want to try to set-up the play-dates for the benefit of my dog or if I really do just want to check up on him. I don't think I do, but what do I know? Last time I saw him was over Christmas and I went to get the last of my stuff, give the dog some stuff, and see the dog. I barely looked at him. Near the end of the conversation I glanced at him and asked him if he had dyed his hair. But, for the play-dates, I really don't have to see him at all. I can just pick up his dog and go somewhere else, although I don't think he would allow that.

Time

In the past month death has been occurring in closer and closer circles to me at an alarming rate. First, a grandfather of a good friend, then the grandfather of a closer friend, then the grandfather of my best friend, then the aunt of my other best friend. Today, it finally reached me and a good friend passed away from a heart attack. In his 40's.
He changed my life.

Back in the Day

I can remember with ease the days where I used to stun people with the vivid wacked out storylines of my dreams. Lately, I haven't been dreaming much and when I have I can't remember what they were about. Last night I had a dream and I mananged to remember it. It was two days before the end of school and I fell asleep, and then I woke up and it was the last day of school and I was scrambling to get everything done. I wondered how in the hell I had managed to sleep for 2 days. Then I fell back asleep and it was the first day of school. I was scrambling try to set up the classroom with the students in it and I wondered how I fell asleep for 2 months. This dream (as well as dead cow sleeping and spasming from the dog) woke me up and kept me awake at 5 am. I kept wondering, why the hell would I dream about falling asleep.
Yep. Be stunned no more.

Consequently, when I finally got around to showering this afternoon, I felt I needed a nap and collapsed on the bed half clothed. When I woke up I was cold so I decided to put a shirt on. I grabbed a shirt out of my closet that I haven't worn since the last time I was near the recommended BMI. While it did fit over the boobs, it also gave me a rash. That sucker is going to the salvation army where some skater chick can wear it. Mind you, it was given to me by some guy who wanted me to be arm candy and wear leather pants. That was a great relationship, with him wanting me all the time and me being absolutely against him touching me that soon into it.

Now I have accomplished just about everything I set out for myself today which was:

• eat the rest of the pizza
• eat a cheesecake tart
• make all of the ginger root into tea form and drink it
• clean the bathroom
• vaccuum the floor

And it is only 3:04 pm. Now what to do with the rest of the day?

And his heart grew 3 sizes that day

I feel like the grinch. Except it isn't my heart, it's my breasts. And they didn't grow three sizes in one day, it took three days. It was still pretty amazing though. I haven't been wearing bra's because of the weight I lost, just tank tops. On the first day of breast growth I realized I could wear a bra so I did. By the end of the day the bra was too small for me. The next day I wore a sports bra because I needed more support. On the third day I put a button up shirt on and it was gaping in the front. So I took it off and put on a t-shirt. The seams were pulled toward the front of me. I said to my roommate, "look" and even she could see remarkable change that took place in 3 days. Why did it happen? I don't know. Is it permanent? I don't know. But, my roommate did make cheesecake so I am hoping to eat a bit of that today and make it a permanent change.

To talk about something other than my breasts, my dog is becoming increasing neurotic again about 'doing her business.' She won't do it where any other dog has done it, so this is already a problem, especially in the small area of one block I have to walk her in to do her business. There is one dog owner who walks in the same area that doesn't clean up after his dog and this insults my dog (as well as me) to no ends. I can see her point. It is gross and I wouldn't want to be around it too. The other dog owners clean up after their dogs but the smell is there for a while, I guess, and she can't go there either. This includes her own stuff too. For the last two days I have taken her out to a park and walked her there and she has decided that is the only place for her. But, it was just a nice coincidence for her that I was able to take her there 2 days in a row. It is about 30 to 45 minutes away and I can't be doing that everyday, although I would like to. So today, she is on strike. But I am scared, yesterday she had diarrhea.

A Life

I sleep on a couch. While I am grateful that I have anywhere to sleep at the moment that isn't my mother's basement and it isn't really a couch so much as an attempt at some kind of futon, it is not the most comfortable bed in the world. Besides the fact I have no money to go out and buy a bed I don't know even if I should. I have a perfectly fine bed at home that I can get down here. But then comes the other part, am I actually going to stay down here. Why go through all the trouble of moving a bed if I am just going to crap out and end up on said bed in my parents basement. You know?

My dog has diarrhea. Oh yuck. This is one of those times when I really wish I had a yard and freezing temperatures. Currently she is in the garage and whining her head off. "WHY mom, WHY AM I IN THE GARAGE?" I know that is what she is thinking. I told her, you are in the garage because we have no yard and your rear is something scary at the moment. How do you wash a dog when you have no bath tub that isn't up 2 flights of carpeted stairs when under no circumstances would you want the dog to sit down? I don't know. How pleasant a day this will be.

I told my friend I would publish this here story as well. It is the pukiest plane story ever.

Last week my friend had to go to Toronto because of family matters. She took her year old son and left her 7 year old daughter at home. Unfortunately, they didn't get to the airport a great deal before the plane was going to leave and only middle seats remained, so her and her son had to sit in between two men. The men were nice enough and slept basically the whole flight, as it was a midnight to 6 am flight. The baby didn't sleep because he wasn't comfortable. He wanted to sprawl out but there just wasn't any room. The baby finally settled down in a position which put a lot of strain on my friend's back and neck, making her uncomfortable and giving her a massive headache. The headache wasn't helped by the fact that the plane was really really hot too. Near the end of the flight the baby woke up and decided to projectile vomit. Poor girl, couldn't get him up and take him to the bathroom or anything in time because she was stuck between those two men so she had to take the kids jacket off and have him puke in it (why she didn't use the sick bag she can't explain). The two men woke up and were quite astonished by this and complained to the stewardess about the temperature and how it made the baby sick. After getting off the plane, my poor friend had to get all her baby stuff out to the car that was picking her up. It was very difficult as she still had the baby to carry as well. As soon as she got her stuff to the car and someone to hand her baby off to, she promptly was ill as well. As continued to be so, for the whole ride home. I have never heard about so much puke. Really. I guess I avoid puke stories.

Typical

I should be appreciative that my dog sleeps in a bit now and doesn't have to get up with the crack of dawn every day. There are limits to her patience though and she can't make it 30 minutes past the regular time. So even though I don't really need to be up at 7 o'clock everyday, I still am. Otherwise the lip-licking and the dry mouth smacking would drive me insane. I have tried bringing the water dish into the bedroom with me (and continue to do so) but this is a special kind of dry mouth that doesn't respond to drinking water. It is the kind of dry mouth that is developed when you know that whining isn't going to get you anywhere fast. It is the kind of dry mouth that will last for hours (I am sure although I haven't tested it) until one gets to go outside.

And that is how my day starts now.

Before:
6:10 am - get up (to enable me enough time to get all my morning stuff done and leave without ever having to view my roommate)
6:55 am - leave the house
7:10 am - put dog in boss's backyard
7:15 am - arrive at school and unlock everything
7:20 to 7:50 am - do the things I need to get done and set up for the day
7:50 to 8:15 am - talk to boss about things or go on computer
8:15 to 8:30 am - pour water, put books on desk, last minute preparatory stuff
8:30 - 9:00 am - duty or talking to kids as they arrive in the classroom

Okay. How boring. But still, it tells you how meticulous I am. You haven't even seen one of my multi-faceted day plans of when I am actually really working.

Weird medical condition #2: This will be the second weird medical condition that I have written about here but not the second one I have had. Of course, the first one I described was the leprosy/flesh eating disease I acquired in September. This one was an infection at the base of my toe right where the nail meets the skin. It happened on both second toes at the same time. It was quite sore. In fact, they were both swollen and then they turned mushy kind of. The toes next to them got sore on the bottom. My friend (ha ha) wanted to drag me to the medical clinic but I told her that I don't do that kind of candy-ass stuff. I wait until whatever is wrong is so bad I feel like I am going to die and big chunks of skin are missing. She didn't know what to think about that.

I have had a craving lately for water with grated ginger in it. I am making a cup right now. You just boil water with grated ginger in it and drink it. It is spicy but oh so good. Well, to me anyway.

Another Try

So today, while at a friend's house playing with Barbie's, I really realized what a skank ho Barbie is. I mean I knew she was. I have seen the literature, heard the feminist talk, and have even read a book. But I hadn't really looked at her since I packed her away and oh my! What a ho. The one I was playing with had a really large head and asian eyes and big pouty lips. Her dress was really short and had a lace insert over the breast so they were, you know, basically hanging out, which they did even without the lace because it kept slipping off.

A side effect of my accident just recently noticed: I get lost. All the time. I never used to get lost. In fact I had a noted sense of direction. After going someplace once I could find my way back there again. Now I need a map drawn for me and I need to follow it multiple times of leaving the same place. And, sometimes I still forget how to get home and where I live. What the hell.

What else has been going on with me? Well, I have actually felt a real need to post about stuff, which, as you know, means nothing is really happening in my life. Lots of things are happening, just emotionally I feel fine.

I am currently living in Surrey with a good friend. I must say, I don't really like it. I am not doing any of the fun city things I associate with being in a city and I am surrounded by concrete, noise and cars. It is not fun. My dog hates it too and pukes just about daily from lack of exercise and fresh air I am presuming. I can barely even see the mountains. I need to see mountains and better yet feel them (or whatever). I am no where near a large body of water either. To top it all off I am barely working either. In fact, I am in such poor financial shape that I am really thinking of packing it all in and going to live with my mommy (oh, how cute of your 30 year old child to return home). We will see. I certainly must move out of this condo/townhouse though. I cannot afford the rent.

I have been spending a lot of time with another good friend of mine. I think I had a void inside me that I created over the past few years of living away from everyone I know and now I am just trying to fill that void with ... something? I just sit in her presence and I somehow get something out of it. She enjoys spending time with me too, she is more relaxed, I think. At least she seems to be.

I have also made some plans in my life, once I get out of this Surrey. These plans are for my career (ha ha! I am actually thinking in these terms now) as well as for my private life. I think I have actually given up on ever finding someone I want to spend my life with. Given up sounds so depressing. In fact, that whole second last sentence seems depressing and it really isn't. After a long talk with one of my friends who is in a similiar situation as me (starting career, single, having to move) I have just decided I don't want to wait around to find someone to share my life with. If someone comes along, great! But if not, I can do what I want and live how I want and where I want without it and it will be a full life. Hence, the start of a realistic 5 year plan, MY 5 year plan. Not a hypothetical 5 year plan if I find someone to share with. Nice for me.

I have also found myself in a 'the grass is always greener on the other side' situation. Part of why I wanted to move out of the North was to do big city things. Part of the reason I liked it in the north was the quiet and the peace. I need that. I can't handle of the white noise in the city and I don't just mean the noise of white noise. I mean all the emotional white noise too. I am not saying that there weren't f*ed up people in the north, but I could alwasy find a place to be away from them if my circuits needed to be free. Here there is no place away from all other people. I can't deal with the emotional needs of all these people. I feel for the people with no homes and no food. I feel for the freaked out teenager who is a craphead superficial creep. And I feel it. I feel a lot more pain since I have been down here too. I know I try to take on people's pain. I started to feel this in the summer when I was working on people and I would start hurting. I would ask them if their whatever hurt and it did and my whatever corresponded. What mumbo-jumbo, but still, my brain is getting fried.

Even though I didn't get a lot of variety of vegetables or get to see my family, my life, if I had some situations changed, was very different up there. Quiet. I could do yoga and eat well (really I could and did a bit). My dog could run. I could live with my cats. I loved my job, for the most part, and the children I worked with. Look! Look! The grass is always greener on the other side. Am I forgetting the absolute isolation? Am I forgetting working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day? Am I forgetting the psychotic guy who scared the hell out of me? Am I forgetting getting a weird skin infection and having to be flown out? Am I forgetting the trust that the people in my workplace had in me? Am I forgetting the confidence I helped put back into those kids? Am I forgetting the drinking? Am I forgetting the gas sniffing? Am I forgetting the molestation?

I don't know. I don't think I am.

I just cut myself on a carton of stackable lays. Nice. Or some kind of stackable chip that isn't pringles.

A Poem

Not by me

Late Fragment

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

Raymond Carver

Oh the weather

Haven't been able to post lately. Trying to get a job.
Haven't been able to sleep lately. Trying to find a place to live.
Haven't been able to eat lately. Trying to get over feeling sad.
You will be happy to know I am eating, sleeping (a little) and looking for a job. Life goes on. I have noticed the tendency of myself to run as fast and as far as I can as much as I can. I was hoping that it would change, but it doesn't look likely.

Okay

I am sad. I know you know.
It is a different kind of sad than I have had before. It isn't like the sad before that I used to call 'the black times.' It isn't the sad crazy of last November/December. It isn't the sad when a loved one passes. It is just sad mixed with guilt and remorse and it is eating me alive.
I am searching to find if this kind of sad is just being sad, that everyone feels like this once in a while, but I don't know. I certainly know I haven't felt like this before. I am trying to see the light at the end of this sadness but this sadness comes with lethargy too and I seem to be building on that.
What to do? What to do? What does one do when one is sad? I thought you were just supposed to go with it and eventually you would be happy again. It isn't like this has lasted so long, it is just how hard it hit me and how intense it is. I am trying to hide it from my parents, who I am currently staying with, because we don't talk about that kind of thing and it would make it all uncomfortable and I don't want to be watched or have to put on an act.
I just want to be sad, but not sad like this.

Somebody's going to pay

Okay. I know. I have said it before. I am not so much as a pain screamer as a pain whiner. And yesterday I lied. Ow isn't all I am going to say about that.
I am so uncomfortable right now I can't sit still. I can't pee. I just want to pee, goddammit! I can't walk. I can't do anything and I am trying to get ready to move.
So what is the logical thing to do? Play Text Twist on the computer. Forget about the legalities. Forget about making a doctor's appointment to see to the pain. Forget about packing. Forget about visiting friends and trying to get your dog some exercise. No. Text Twist. It makes it more bearable somehow although I want to punch the machine when I can't get the 6 letter word.

A friend

A few days ago the grandfather of a friend of mine died. He has called me and I have been calling him but today was the first day I got a hold of him. He had a lot to say.
The thing that is in my mind at the minute though is him telling me how hard it was to dig his grandfather's grave. I would imagine it would be incredibly hard. In most places we don't do that anymore, so I knew that they did it up there, but hadn't really had it so close to me before that I would actually realize it.
I talked to the mother of my friend and asked if there was anything I could do for her and she asked me to buy her some over the counter medication. Nobody is supposed to buy her this stuff, we all know that. She takes them like candy. But what could I do? Her father has just passed away and I asked if there was anything I could do for her. So I bought them. I will send them to her.

OW

And that is all I will say about that.
I wanted to take my exes and my dog for a walk today but it is too too cold. I wouldn't make it. I don't know if he would let me walk his dog anyway. I know he doesn't want to spend anytime with me either, so I didn't know if a walk would happen. I have been thinking about it for a while, since the dogs get along and I really like that dog of his.
Since it was too cold today to go for a walk and my dog is going stir crazy for lack of walks and social endeavors, I phoned and asked him if I could take my dog over there to play with his dog for a short time in his backyard. I made sure that I mentioned that he didn't have to take part in any activities, such as watching them in the backyard, that I would do that. Of course he didn't answer the phone when I called. I couldn't blame him for that either. He has made it clear he doesn't want to talk to me.
I just think it is a shame for the dogs and all. They grew up together.

Thank you

I would like to take a moment to thank my body for another cycle. I am learning to really embrace and enjoy every tme I get my period since I have no idea when I will get them and the thought of me going into early menopause scares me quite a bit. I will take this time to be thankful for being fertile and for having choices.
I wish it didn't have to hurt so much though.
Another New Year and another time to make a New Year's resolution. I have never really made resolutions because I find that if I want to do something I just do it whenever I want to and that there is nothing special about doing it at this time except it seems to set people up for failure. I do things when I think of them and when I am ready. This year, along the advice of my cousin, I may take a one year moratorum on dating. My boss also tells me that I need a better selection process. I guess he is my ex-boss now. Too many exes!
On New Year's, my Sikh friend always had to have her house spotless and talk to a lot of her friends. That sets it up for the new year. Or was it you had to do it New Year's Eve and have the house clean on New Year's? I don't know. I guess I will have to ask her.

I'm UP! I'm down.

Again, as I say, when I have actual things going on in my life, big things, I do not write about them. I tend to try and write the happy things, the amusing things (well they are to me anyway), or just the mundane things. I usually tell anyone who cares about the crap that is going on in my life and if I haven't and you read this, you can always ask (I know sometimes you do).
Right now I am down. I got slammed. Multiple slammings. And, AND I realize that really and truly my life is crap and nothing can make up for your past. Nice. Yep. Your past will come up and smack you in the face whenever you think you are going ahead. It will never leave. It will never get better. It can never be changed.
Contemplating a life less normal.